:: Ratty's randomly rattyful blog :: 3/3/10 ::

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys

Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair

Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth
Big pill stuck going down

The other day, I was reading on MLIA about someone who didn't know an answer on a quiz, so they turned the blank into a cliff and drew a stick figure at the top of the cliff getting ready to jump with another stick figure at the base yelling, "Don't jump! It's only a quiz!" Thinking this was hilarious, I decided to try it on my Hamlet quiz. As it turned out, the correct answer was "intends to commit suicide." Full points were awarded. MLIA

Today, I left my Sims unattended for over an hour after forgetting that I left my laptop on. When I returned, I found that three of my Sims were dead, one was pregnant, two were fighting, four were dancing wildly to music, the kitchen was on fire, and the bathroom was flooded. Do I even want to know what they were doing while I was gone? MLIA

I was in my classroom and I couldn't understand anything the teacher was saying. I thought something was stuck in my ear or maybe my brain was turning to mush. I was freaking out in my seat for about 15 minutes when I realized, I was in the wrong classroom. I had accidentally walked into a German class. MLIA

Today I got an update on the shipment of my Where's Waldo book. Apparently it has been lost in the mail and I'm going to get a refund on my money. Touche Waldo well played.MLIA

Today, we were having a break after one of our productions of “Holes”. We were bored and playing around in our criminal jumpsuits supplied to us by the local jail. We decided it would be fun to run down to the gas station dressed as convicts and have people dressed in cop uniforms chase us. We did. We got a lot of strange worried looks. One of which was from the police officer that was stationed at the gas station. MLIA

I grew up in a college town, and one Halloween our doorbell rang and we opened the door expecting to see trickortreater—but what was in front of our open door—was another door! Like, a full-on wooden door, that had a sign that said “Please knock.” So we did, and the door swung open to reveal a bunch of college dudes dressed as really old grandmothers, curlers in their hair, etc, who proceeded to coo over our “costumes” and tell us we were “such cute trick or treaters!” One even pinched my cheek. Then THEY gave US candy, closed their door, picked it up and walked to the next house. MLIA

Today, I was volunteering at a camp that teaches kids safety skills. After watching a video about drugs, a counselor asked the kids what they learned. A little girl enthusiastically raised her hand and answered, "If you have drugs, dont tell anybody!" Nobody knew what to say. MLIA.

Today I awoke to find a new PS3 with 5 games, my first phone, an iPhone and a complete Ninja costume including weapons. The PS3 still remains in it's box, the iPhone untouched. I have worn the ninja costume for the past 6 hours, and plan on sleeping in it tonight. Best 18th birthday ever. MLIA

Last night my mother sent my friends and I to Target for a "cheap" plunger- at 9:45pm. We found a plunger costing $3.99. I, however, assume that anything that cheap does not work, so naturally, I had to test it. An employee found my friends and I attempting to pry a plunger off the floor as he was closing shop 15 minutes later. MLIA.

Today while taking my final in Nutrition I got to the last question which said: "After taking this class, I am..." and it had multiple choice answers like "going to eat healthier," etc. I circled "other" and wrote "off to Hogwarts to become a witch and fight the Dark Lord!" I got it right. MLIA

Today, i learned that there has never been a murder in the town of Slaughter, Texas. MLIA

Today in history I heard a noise behind me. There's a desk behind me, but no one sits there. I heard the noise again, so I looked. When I looked I saw that there was a Kermit the Frog doll sitting in the seat behind me with a pencil taped to his hand and a binder open with notes. I'm still confused as to how he actually got the notes down. MLIA.

Today, I asked my dad what would happen if Pinocchio said his nose was about to grow. He responded, "Due to the extreme conflict of the situation, his head would explode in a puff of sawdust." I think this is a reasonable answer. MLIA.

Today, I had a song stuck in my head. I kept singing it and I was extreme bothered because I didn't know the name of the song. Turns out, the title of the song is, "The Nameless." Once again, Irony wins the game. MLIA.

Today, I was in the car with my mom and our Chinese takeout. The radio was on really loud, so I thought I could open up the box and sneak a taste without my mom hearing. As I opened the box she began to scold me. I then realized I was listening to my iPod. MLIA

Today, during class, my teacher caught a student playing solitaire on his laptop. The teacher gave him a detention, then proceeded to show a presentation to the class on the subject of the class. When the presentation was over, the teacher closed the window, revealing his own open game of solitaire. The next words out of the teacher's mouth: "Detention? What detention?" MLIA

Today, I was talking to my dad about stories from when I was little. He told me that one time, we were at the grocery store, and I was about 2. A lady walked up to him and said "Oh what a nice grandfather you are." (my dad has gray hair) and walked away. To which I looked up at him and responded horror struck, "BUT DADDY! YOU'RE NOT OLD! YOUR NEW!" Guess who got Ice cream? Little me was a mastermind. MLIA.

Today, I was walking with my dad when I told him if he didn't lose weight, he would never see his grandchildren. He jokingly asked if that was "my way of telling him something". Without missing a beat, I started to fake sob and exclaimed: "Yes, dad. I'm pregnant." I'm a fifteen year-old boy. MLIA.

Today, my mom asked me to put her empty wrapping paper rolls in the recycling bin. I looked at them and realized they'd be perfect ninja weapons. So if by recycling bin she meant my closet, mission complete. MLIA

Today, in my microbiology class, I learned that the H1N1 virus is the same strain as the Spanish influenza of 1918. Edward Cullen had the Spanish influenza and H1N1 just started to surface when he came into the limelight. I blame him, not the pigs. MLIA.

The other day, I went to my sister's funeral. I hadn't seen my sister since she eloped twenty years ago when she was eighteen. I walked into the funeral late and everyone looked at me and screamed. Why? She never told anyone in her husband's family that she had a twin sister. Who's haunting who, sis? MLIA

Today in the hallway somebody had posted a sign reading "PLATFORM 9 3/4. NO MUGGLES ALLOWED." I decided to prove that I am not a muggle by running full speed into the brick wall. Not only am I a muggle, but at the health office getting my head bandaged up there were 8 other dissapointed 11th graders. MLIA.

Today, I was looking up phrases in Swahili. I was reading a page of usefull phrases such as hello, how are you, ect.. when i came across one that said "Gari langu linaloangama limejaa na mikunga", meaning "my hovercraft is full of eels". I am still confused as to how that could be usefull. MLIA

Today, I was watching a TV show on the computer. I realized that the talking was coming from the right headphone only. I was freaking out because I recently got new headphones. I played a couple songs on iTunes, went to youtube, and was about to restart my computer. I checked my left headphone to see what was wrong. Turns out I didn't have it in my ear. MLIA

Last night I was trying to teach my new puppy to sleep in her crate so I crawled in her crate and we fell asleep together. When I woke up my puppy was no where to be found. Finally I decided to just go to bed. When I lifted my covers to crawl under guess what i found? yep, my puppy. I think she deserves to sleep in my bed. MLIA

Today I was complaining to my dad about how bad the food the food is at my school. He made up a 3 step plan for me. Step 1, write a strongly worded letter. Step 2, have a sit in. Step 3, take hostages and deep fry one for every hour your demands aren't met. I now know I am my father's daughter. MLIA.

Today, I got back a paper that I had written for my Writing class, with the topic, "Convince Me of Something." I wrote a 2 and a half page paper about the never ending pirate vs. ninja battle, and said that I thought that ninjas would win. That is, until Chuck Norris showed up...I got an A. MLIA

Yesterday, I found an ugly mean cat outside my door. Today I realized that although I'm beginning to hate that grouchy cat, whenever I say "McGonagall" it sits real still and looks at you like a certain Hogwarts professor in disguise. Keeping it? I think so. MLIA

Today, as I was ringing a bell in front of a Kmart as a part of a charity, a man walked up and handed me a wad of cash. He said, "This is 500 dollars... but 499 of those dollars are fake. Good luck trying to figure out which one is real." and then ran into the store behind me. I am still speechless. MLIA

Today, I was trying to explain to my dad the point of MLIA. After half an hour of showing him the stories and explaining why they were considered funny, he asked, "So the whole website is a bunch of in-jokes involving Harry Potter, Twilight, and acting like a six-year-old?" I tried for several minutes to come up with a better explanation, but then I realized that basically sums it up. MLIA.

Today, I learned that I have to wear an eye patch for a week. Why? Because I was using a magnifying glass as a monocle, walking around and speaking in british accents and it magnified the light into my eye, burning it. now, with the eye patch, i can pretend to be a pirate. totally worth it.

Today I found out when I was little I had a big fear of the sun,my first teeth to grow in were my two top canines, and I hated glitter. I'm glad to know I was a proper baby vampire. MLIA

Today, I was in Film and Video. Our teacher told us to film something that interests us. I filmed me leaving class. I got an "A ". A class well spent? I think so.MLIA

Today, I looked down my street early in the morning to see a giant muffin handing out free muffins on a local morning program at the park. I ran down and got one, and said I would only eat it if the guy in the suit screamed I was killing his brother while I did so. He did. They got it on camera. MLIA.

Today I got a call from my mother. "I just wanted to let you know that your brother his first day at school and it was great. He said that some of the girls let him play jump rope and that he's going to learn double dutch tomorrow." My brother is a 26 yr old elementary teacher.

Today, It was my orchestra Christmas concert. My stand partner is this really cute guy who is all my same classes. He has a bad habit of falling asleep in class with his head back and his mouth open. Right before the concert was starting he was trying to find his parents. I have never met his parents before, but suddenly I see this white haired man sitting on the 3rd row, asleep with his head back and mouth open. I busted out laughing and pointed him out. I was right. MLIA.

Today, I found out who had put sliced pickles all over my car last week. 4 hours and 2 bottles of squeeze mayonnaise later, I think I have committted a suitable revenge. MLIA.

Today my teacher kicked me out of his class. When he asked if anyone wished to join me, 6 kids got up and walked out. I have never felt so empowered in my life. MLIA

Today, we were learning about plate-tectonics. Someone commented on how we might be able to drive to Europe in the future, so this girl in the back raises her hand and asks, "Do you think we'll ever be able to drive to Canada? I have relatives there." I believe public school has failed her entirely. MLIA

Today, I had my first class of AP Environmental Studies. My teacher brought bananas for everyone on the first day in a monkey suit. I was confused until I saw my schedule. I love my APES teacher. MLIA.

Today, I went to a church program and got one of those weird paper/plastic wristbands that they make you wear to get in. When I got home I thought that I could pretend to be strong and rip it off my wrist. I attempted this and ended up punching myself in the face. I got the wristband off anyway. MLIA

Today, while in the shower, I noticed that the conditioner I use on my hair smells like bananas and looks like banana pudding. I tasted it. Turns out, the similarities stop there. MLIA.