Rules for surviving a horror movie/ tips for the killer/monster/vampire

Everybody has seen at least one horror movie, right?
Have you ever noticed that people DIE whenever they do/say certain things?
Meh and oniisama and Mioko and my mom and my teacher came up with some.
DON'T SAY THESE:
Who's there?
Did you hear something?
What do you want from me?
I'll be right back.
Why are you doing this?
What was that?
Please, no! Go away!
Let's split up.
We'll be safe her.
Hello?
DON'T DO THESE
Answer the door
Splitup
Answer the phone
Walk backwards through a room with your desperately made weapon aimed in front of you
Look out the windows
Get into a car when the engine isn't running
Peek through the crack for doors
Assume the killer is dead
Run upstairs or in the basement
Pause to see if he's still chasing you
IN COMBINATION
Don't run into a room and shout "Quick! Lock the door!" Just like in Scooby Doo, the monster will be behind you with a machete.

This is from a website:
(excuse the fact that I didn't edit it, and there is some cuss words. Sorry. )
When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house was built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Don't mumble to yourself, either - if you can't read silently, you have no business with such a thing anyway.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to HEAVEN!.
If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably that way for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
If you're searching for something that caused a mysterious noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden blocks on your work surface.
When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the lights on!
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery and a full tank of gas so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
Never say that you'll be right back, because you won't.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, crypt, tomb, mausoleum, or any other house of the dead.
If anything other than water (i.e., blood or thick goo of any color) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.
If, while looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, a room different from the one you are in, or a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.
If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.
When the family pet runs away, DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR IT -- pets are usually not killed, and even if they are, it's just a warm-up for the next, human victim.
Never unlock the doors and look outside.
If it's late at night and your dog suddenly perks up his ears and growls lowly in his throat, never EVER say "Whassa matter Boy? Gotta go out?"
If you use gasoline to destroy your attacker, make sure your Zippo is in fine working order. Also, make sure it's not the one your grandfather used in WWII because you have to throw it away with a witty one-liner.
Make sure you get up early enough so you can kill the vampires during the day.
When you are trapped in a strange old house with your date, NEVER say: "Let's try the basement!" or "Look! The stairs up to the attic!"
When approaching a room with a door that hasn't been opened in decades, and the knob begins to slowly turn back and forth on its own, back away! Do NOT ask loudly, "Who's there?"
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone.
If appliances start operating by themselves, MOVE OUT.
Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as soon as possible!
If your car runs out of gas at night, DO NOT go to the nearest deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that is strange because you thought you had half a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one!), the Bemuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Listen closely to the sound track and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
If you are running for your life and are being chased by a monster/psychopath/axe murderer and you happen to be female, take the high-heeled shoes OFF!
Also, if you've just pushed the monster/psychopath/axe murderer in the lake from your boat dock or a bridge, don't lean over to see if he's gone!
When confronted by the walking dead, aim for the head.
If you're female, never EVER take off your shirt. They like to attack you when your bejoobies are hanging out.
Lock your darn doors, make sure the gas tank is full, and if you hit something that was weird looking, make the cops go look and see what it was.
If the creepy bag lady of the town tries to give you some advice, TAKE IT! For some reason she always seems to know what she is talking about during her brief moments of lucidity.
Join the police or the military right away! That way, you won't be anywhere near the monster until it's really dead.
Remember, the monster cannot be stopped by bullets, the army or an atomic bomb. Only a mob bearing pitchforks and torches will be able to inflict significant damage.
Monsters are generally radioactive, so always carry a Geiger counter in your car.
When confronted with a large, animated flying reptile, aim for the wires.
If you can get around the creature, and get to the zipper on his back, you can render him helpless.
If you are female, and intend to go swimming in a haunted pool/black lagoon/deserted lake, a white one-piece bathing suit is de rigueur.
Girls, if you are going on a date to Lovers Lane, make sure you are wearing shoes with proper ankle support. Statistically you will turn an ankle and the creature will get you.
Avoid going to isolated research stations whenever possible. Arctic weather stations, foreboding pacific atolls, distant space stations, and island bases for gene-splicing corporations top the list.
When finding a meteor/egg sac/fetal creature of any kind, step away! DO NOT give in to the diabolical urge to poke it with a stick.
Unless you are in the company of Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and their talking dog, the creature/ghost coming at you is most likely REAL.
If you see some strange, globulous, slimy, pulsating thing in your house, don't mutter "What the HEAVEN!?" to yourself and reach for it.
If some guy comes to your door who looks exactly like an ancestor of yours who "died" 200 years before, claiming to be a cousin from England, SHUT THE DOOR!
When killer bees, flesh eating worms, or Cujo have trapped you in your car, make sure to turn OFF the oldies station. It just seems to excite them.
Always check the back seat of your car.
The first time that you are absolutely sure that the monster/killer is dead or the hellgate is finally closed forever, you are in the most danger. Don't relax.
Objects moving in a mysterious fashion should be considered a very bad sign.
If, on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, Indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly he/she is.
Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.
If one of your group is missing for a while and, upon returning, no longer seems as frightened, assuring you that there is really nothing to be worried about, do not let him/her get behind you. He/she has joined the other side.
If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill him because he is not normal!
After you kill the maniac, don't stand anywhere near the body and don't drop the gun, knife or other instrument of death because (1) he is not dead and (2) you will be needing the instrument of death again.
Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. That will eventually get you killed.
Kill the greedy person in the group. He/she will eventually get you killed.
Never make fun of the local yokel's stories about deformed killer babies in backwoods towns--you can bet they are real and you might get them angry.
Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid. Those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.
If someone in your group is too scared to shoot when the monster is bearing down on you, grab the gun and shoot the monster yourself, or use your weapon to kill both the monster and your friend, especially if there are more monsters around. Your friend was dead weight.
Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl because she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.
Nothing is ever over if it is still nighttime.
If it seems as though you have just woken up from a horrible nightmare, chances are you are still in grave danger.
Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.
When fleeing some peril (mutant rats, lava, Oakland Raiders fans, etc.), do not keep turning around to see how close it is/they are behind you. This slows you down and increases your chances of getting caught by said peril.
Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.
Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.
If you're ever lost in the woods filming a documentary, don't stop and collect little stick figures.
Never trust your best boy/girl friend. As soon as the monster or spirt can, it's going to take over his/her mind and that friend will turn on you.
If your children or pets speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This applies also to people who speak with somebody else's (usually deep) voice.
Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to "help" them - they will eat you.
Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if you find hideous parasites attached to their bodies.
Be forewarned that a gun is good only for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts, etc.)
Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.
Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom, Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.
If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car, the monster will be in it.
Never bring the cat or any member of your family back from the dead.
Try to make friends with someone from your own species. If your only friends are rats, insects or anyone who is invisible, you are going to DIE.
If you realize that a car has been operating on its own, get away from it immediately. Do not touch it, and above all, NEVER get in, especially in the driver's seat!
If your child or infant seems especially bright, beautiful, AND has piercing blue eyes, kill it immediately. If you can't do that, have a priest or retired mystery writer do it for you. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you lean over a cliff, shimmy out on a tree branch, cross a train tressle, or climb a ladder to rescue the tyke from certain death - it is a TRAP.
Never accept a job as a camp counselor.
Do NOT drink alcohol if you are underage.
Never turn off the radio or TV when an emergency news bulletin is on - unless you want to be in the next bulletin.
If someone tells you "Wait right here," heed that person's order and don't go anywhere.
Never assme that everything is going to be all right. It won't be.
Never go for a walk by yourself, especially in the wilderness.
Don't mockingly go "Oo-ee-oo!" to jokes about how creepy something is.
When the monster is running after you, run out the door rather than up the stairs.
When the exorcist/priestess/whoever declares the house is "clear", your troubles have just begun.
Never look under the stairs, or the bed, or in the closet, or the cellar, attic, etc.
Don't take anything back to the lab that looks like it might hatch real soon-especially if it is transparent, something inside is moving, or it appears to be lighted from within.
In the same vein, never bend over to look into anything that looks like an opening egg.
If you don't want to be chased by the monster (or serial killer, shark, alien, giant snake, radioactive ants, etc.) don't wear skimpy clothes or wet T-shirts.
If you are being chased by a car, don't run into the building, the car will corner you and rev its engine menacingly before destroying the house, business, police station, etc. Whereas, if you just run down the road, it won't catch you.
Never unwrap the mummy. (Always good, though, to have duct tape around in case something unravels).
When flying on an airplane at night, in a storm, don't raise the shade to see what that noise out on the wing was.
Don't talk to sheriffs wearing reflecting sunglasses in towns that are so small the gas station has one pump.
Silver works, garlic doesn't.
And the #1 rule for surviving a horror movie:
DON'T HAVE MONKEY!!!!

If you're the monster:

If you're after the final survivor, take a break, go buy a gun, and take him or her out from a distance, avoiding all electrical lines, magic knives and heavy weights from above.
Always remember to eat the small kids FIRST, because if you don't they're going to find a way to defeat you when all the adults fail.
Should you become a vampire, follow these tips.
I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.
There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.
When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast, or another location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.
I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
I will wear white clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black.
If I can't avoid wearing black and acting weird all the time, I will go to bars that cater to that sort of clientele. It will make it more difficult for the Hero to pick me out of the crowd.
I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway, so what's the point?
I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.
There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts, or air vents accessing my hidden lair that have any sort of access to the outside and down which sunlight can be directed using mirrors.
If there must be windows, they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.
When I take the Hero's true love to make her my concubine and eternal slave, I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That will goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room, watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grow older and they will become whiny and disobedient.
I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
I will have one of my entranced subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.
My home will have mirrors, but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.
I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly, or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.
All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from me.
The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container, and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I am Dra--cu--la."
I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars, or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location, and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will be either dead or senile.
I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.
A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.
I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.
Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed, and chained to the wall, where they will provide lunch for my concubines.
Crossbows, spears, arrows, and other antique weapons with wooden or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.
I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol, or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
I will be a strict atheist, so the Hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital," rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably.
Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.
I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed or other addictive drugs.
All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teachers at the all-girls school first.
All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, his true love is probably tastier.
All future concubines will be strip-searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.
All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community, and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends so I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi. (And if it does, I will immediately leave town, having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice.)
All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtably be ways to destroy me.
I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.
I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
All concubines will save the loose, transparent, flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provide more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.
Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines, they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore, all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.
All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner that will make bite marks and the absence of blood impossible to identify.
I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.
I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.
I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me.
More vampires mean a lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.
All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic - no silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) Ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it look like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it.
I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a usefull skill.
As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing.
I will make lots of long-term investments. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonald's for dinner instead of bothering the Hero's womenfolk.
While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heroes.
As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.
I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.
If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages confered by that particular location.
When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs.
I will put on lots of makeup and fur and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two.
I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of something going wrong.

Man, I can't even read this all right now, but man. *-* This was so creepy, in a good way! And right when it said to never search your basement, I glanced around and wished the computers weren't in our basement. XDD This is epic.

Epicness.
I didn't read the whole thing either. But this is rather creepy. xD

Haha, wow. xD After getting about halfway through this I went upstairs, locked myself in my room, and turned on the radio, because I was freaked. Very good advice, though. I'll be sure to keep this in mind if I ever find myself in a horror movie or as a vampire. xD

I READ IT ALL. xD

Very freaky and true and cool.

I was so amazed that this ONE PERSON came up with all of these by herself. What does she do with her time?

We only came up with ten in two-ish hours.
(IDK how long it took Mrs. Russell to come up with them....)

On the Nilbog thing, that's the town in the movie Troll 2 where all the vegetarian goblins who turn people into plants before they eat them live. In my opinion, LAME-LOOKING MOVIE.

Oniisama can name most of the movies that these came from. Here are just a few:
Pet Cemetery
Mist
Scream(all of them)
Saw(I told her that one)
The Strangers (xD)
The Unborn(O_O)
Nightmare on Elm Street

They are creepy.

Oh my gosh. I wanna watch Saw so bad. o.0

Nightmare on Elm Street was cool. x3 I haven't seen the new version, and the old one had cheesy effects, but it was still cool.

Only problem with Saw is that they keep killing him, but HE COMES BACK. At least Freddy was in their dreams, and that's how he manifested.

OH MY GOD! I don't think that I will ever live the same way again... right now I am in y room with the coumputer that is soupposed to be in another room...with the door locked and a gun in my hand... (don't ask me how I got it...you will not like the answer...)

Put the gun down....
This is not a horror movie.
If you begin feeling symptoms of a horror movie coming on, contact a therapist (*winky*) immediately. xD

Well, different movies....

I would totally survive a horror movie. Know why?
I would help the killer do whatever so I didn't get killed by him! Instant immunity!

O_________o


I'll just hide in the closet from now on....

Yeah, that's a good one.


Closet life and popcorn.... Oh the thrills we will have!

I will not put the gun down, I might shot Mike....*evil little laugh* And thank you very much the killer in a horror movie would probly run of screaming if he saw that I had a gun in my hands...That is a scary picture...*evil laugh again*