The Sown Shadow - Bringing you yesterday's news today!

by **shadowsowner888** 9/29/2009, 4:45 pm

Yesterday was decent. xP

I got kicked off the computer early cus my mom woke up and was all POed about whatever crap she wanted to share with the household, and she was mad pretty much the rest of the day too.

My dad adopted her attitude once he got home from work. *sigh* >.< They were screaming at us during dinner. I didn’t cry. But I wanted to. And I’m ashamed to admit it.

‘N’ I’m getting sick. My throat hurts. =[ I keep drinking water to make it stop, but five seconds later, the soreness comes back.

All day I’ve been contemplating what might happen when I ask Jamie if he knows my secret . . . =( It’s . . . hard on me. I don’t like thinking about it. And I keep starting to feel empty, when I think about giving up on my crush on him. Because I will if he wants me to, like I said yesterday. But it’s one of those things I obsessed over . . . and it’s always hard on me to let go of fresher obsessions. >.> I can do it, and I’ll be fine once it happens. It’s just hard on me now.

*sigh* I’m starting to wonder if it’s even Jamie I’ve liked all this time, though . . . or if I’m just obsessed with the idea of having a bf. =( Cus I really wish I had one . . . one like Jamie . . . or Jamie. (Psh, like either of our parents would allow us to date. xP) But I just want to know what it feels like when a guy likes you that much . . . to kiss the most wonderful guy in the world . . . to always have a friend to turn to when things are hard. I want to feel loved.

>.< Why can’t God just be good enough for me?

I know I don’t even need a relationship. But I really feel . . . just . . . like part of me is missing. =[ I keep envisioning myself in that perfect relationship, and I’m always a happy person . . . affectionate . . . loved . . . *sigh* Is that just something to fill what my mom failed to all these years?

I’ve noticed that all my serious stories have some kind of relationship in them. Dragon Soul, Misplaced, Wolf Chasers . . . that one nameless story about the wolf with the blue leg . . . (well, it’s gonna have something) . . . idk what I’ve left out.

Writing saves me. It helps me to experience what would never happen otherwise. Cus I’m just not that lucky. Sure I have a good life. Sure I have a lot of friends, and sure my crush’s mom really likes me. But I don’t have luck. If I did, Jamie and I would be dating, my family would have more money, and I wouldn’t feel like a failure as much.

=( If Jamie knows, I bet he thinks I’m pathetic.

I wrote more of that one song that I have all the music for . . . the “There’s something wrong with my head, I’m driving home again” one.

I’m gonna post it here to remind myself to add it to the thread. xP

Staring out my window,
To the dark depths of the night. . . .
Crying as hard as the clouds are.

Why do I feel so low?
For once I wannt to die. . . .
I let things to too far.

I could’ve done so much better,
But I had to waste my life.
I was chasing after a foooooool’s dream.

Na-da, na, da-da, da-da-da.

[chorus]

And every word of this song feels real to me. It hasn’t happened - yet. But I think it’s going to. Jamie’s gonna totally reject me or something.

Of course I’ll end up being the usual, upbeat me when it actually happens. But when I’m alone like this, where there’s nobody to watch my face fall . . . it’s easier to be vulnerable.

xP I’m such a snot.

I’ll talk about happier things now! I did pretty good with piano today; it was easy enough. And I finished reading New Moon, and started this book; I think Mulan was based on it or something. It’s called I Rode A Horse of Milk White Jade. I kinda have to read it, for another family we know; I’m supposed to be previewing all these books for them. xD And I’ll give them back if they’re any good. But I’ve only read one out of all of them. But I’d rate the book three stars so far, just cus it has all these confusing references to Chinese stuff. xP I say that if you have to go to the back of the book to find out what a del is, then just call it a robe like it is. And I’ve heard enough about their gods.

Haha, oh well. I’m curious, and I wanna see if there’s any romance. xD

Click my eggs!
The Sown Shadow - Bringing you yesterday's news today! 8WFL