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Mo's Ambiguous Blog - Bleh

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Post by Komoda 2/3/2010, 11:51 pm

February 3rd

Er... Well, ever since last year... I've been feeling a little off. Sometimes I'll have my happy spells, but it's not real happiness... It's fake. It's more of a, "I don't have anything I should really be worrying about so I'm going to pretend I'm not sad and listen to these happy songs" kind of cheeriness. So I looked up some depression symptoms.


Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
You’re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
Your friends and family really irritate you.
You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
You’re anxious and worried a lot.
Everything seems hopeless.
You feel like you can’t do anything right.
You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
You have a feeling of impending doom - you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what, and/or...

...You have a very specific fear that torments you constantly.

In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

The bolded ones are things that either apply to me when I'm with my friends or all of the time, and even the unbolded ones all apply to me in certain ways... :/ Even though I get the odd giddy obsession, I just drop everything too easily... It's like I don't care anymore. It's 9:36 and I haven't done my homework yet. I used to be done my homework by 6:00...

I just don't know. If I do have depression, it's clinical. Because other than the fact that I know I'm going to be lonely forever... I have nothing to be sad about. But every conversation I have with my friends... It's awkward. I may not act like it, but in the back of my mind I'm always thinking, "Well, aren't I doing good at communicating today?" or you know, just something like that. It's as if I actually think of talking to my friends as a task. I can't even really open up to them, either... I mean, the most I'll talk about is what guy I think is attractive or something along those lines, but the things I tell them are just superficial things I don't care about. I don't talk to them about witchcraft or anything, unless I'm trying to get a creeped out reaction from them. It's just...

*sigh*

I don't know anymore. I just can't trust anyone...
And it's... I don't know. I just feel cut off from my friends. Even when I'm laughing with them and having a good time... That doesn't mean anything. I can laugh at a funny show on youtube, have fun watching it... But it's all fake. There's no emotional connection with my friends anymore. I don't even love them. I get more jealous and competitive with them than proud, so clearly I don't care about them as much as I should... And they clearly don't care much about me, because it's not like (as outgoing as they are) they ever ask me to hang out. I guess I don't ask them either...
But maybe I just prefer being alone.

Bleh. I'm so confused.

Must be genetics. Depression and suicide runs in the family, y' know. But I'll be stronger... Eventually. Everything will be fine and dandy once renovations are over.

I think this is pretty much the last rant I'll be doing, though... Because I realize that I complain way too much. I'm just so whiny without real reason... Part of it is that I won't be satisfied until I'm better than everyone else. *sigh* I know, pathetic but true. I was at the top of my class, but now there's all these smart kids... And it makes me realize how worthless I really am.

I guess I just have to work from now on. I'm going to do all the homework I didn't do yesterday, no matter how late I have to stay up. And I'm going to do it right, so that one day I'll become a valuable part of society... You know, do some good in the world. Because if I can't do good, then there's no point in my existence.

But on the bright side... I think I've impacted some people's lives positively. Like... I saved a hummingbird's life one time. My cat almost killed it. So maybe that hummingbird realized that it had to make something out of itself, and then impacted some other creature's life, and so on...
But it's doubtful.

Sorry for being so cheery.

- Komoda
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Post by Avé 2/3/2010, 11:56 pm

Aw. -hug- I'm sorry that you feel this way, Mo. Dx It's all gonna get better, you have to realize that. There's always going to be someone who cares about you. <3
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Post by Komoda 2/4/2010, 12:43 am

Aw, thank you so much Ave. (: That really cheered me up.
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Post by shadowsowner888 2/4/2010, 2:47 pm

Awww, Mo. *huggle* You're not worthless, not one bit. You make me happy, after all! Very Happy That's some good, right? Talking to you is one of the favorite parts of my days. You affect my life positively, and the hummingbird didn't even need to help.

What Ave says is true, too. nod God will always care, I'll always care, Bruce will always care . . .
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Post by Komoda 2/4/2010, 10:38 pm

Aww, thankies very much, Ado. (: Same to you.

Thank you again! XD I dunno about Bruce caring, though... We are split up, after all. :/ I think it's official.
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Post by shadowsowner888 2/6/2010, 12:39 am

^^ You're welcome.

Whaaaa? :/ Awweh . . . you were such an awesome couple . . .

Don't think he doesn't care, though. I'm sure he still does! Very Happy Like, on the inside!
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