The Ambiguity of Thought

by **Komoda** 6/25/2010, 1:30 pm

If I close my eyes, you're behind my eyelids
How strong has that made me? I hope I'm the same for you...

Aya-chan, from the age of 15 to 25, had to live her life knowing she would end up as a vegetable in the end. Because of a disease called Cerebellar Degeneration.

Cerebellar Degeneration is a disease process in which neurons in the cerebellum - the area of the brain that controls muscle coordination and balance - deteriorate and die.

Day by day, she slowly lost control of all four limbs. It started by her falling. She would be running, and all of a sudden lose control. She could never break the fall, so she'd get bad chin injuries and head injuries.

Then she started dropping things. She had no control; her hands would just stop working.

She couldn't always grab things. She would always misjudge where they were, hands going in the wrong direction.

And then, she lost her ability to walk. She tried so hard, she went to rehabilitation every day, but eventually she couldn't walk anymore. She was more deserving of the ability to walk than the majority of people who have that gift... But that didn't change anything.

She eventually couldn't talk. It started with her talking quietly, and then she couldn't pronounce some sounds and pitches anymore, she had to talk slowly, drag out the words... And finally, she couldn't talk at all. She had to use what strength she had left to either point at kanji on a chart, or write it down.

Writing was all she had left. All she could do was write her inspiring words down, because there was nothing else... She wrote until she could no longer hold her pen.
And because of her, millions have been inspired by her story.
The things she said were absolutely incredible. Inspirational. So positive, despite what has happened to her.

"If I were a flower, then now I’d be a bud. I shall treasure the beginning of my youth without any regrets. And I really don’t want to say things such as 'I want to go back to how things were before.' I recognized how I am right now; and I will continue to live on."

In Japan, there are 100,000 suicides a year. Some dispute the number, saying it's more around 30,000... But either way, that's a lot of suicides.
I'm sure a great deal of it is because of clinical depression.
But there's a lot of suicides that are just people... giving up.

Aya never gave up. Were those people turning into vegetables? Did those people lose the complete function of their body?

Maybe if they had heard Aya's story, they would have changed their mind. They would have realized they had such a bright future ahead of them, and to be alive was a blessing. To feel the sun shining on your face, the wind blowing in your hair, the raindrops splatter against your skin... All gifts that we don't even realize.

Aya wasn't a fictional character.

Haruto, from 1 Litre of Tears, the drama that's based on her story...
He was fictional.

He was the one who said,

"Humans are just animals with hope."

"Humans are greedy, wanting to prolong their life."

And I completely agreed with him.
And by the end of the series, seeing Aya's story, her struggles...
My opinion did a total 180, and so did his.

He may have been fictional, but I think he's a good representation of what many people's beliefs are.

Near the end, he didn't want her to die. He had never wanted to become a doctor until he met Aya. It was the last thing he wanted, because of his opinion on human greed. Even so, he stayed up late trying to study her disease, he came to see her as much as he could, he went to medical school... But eventually, he had to let go. She was incurable.

Ako, now she wasn't fictional.

She was your typical angsty teenager; Aya's sister, she was always complaining about how Aya got all the attention, how she never got to buy any new clothes... But when she discovered Aya's disease, her life completely turned around. She was helpful, she stood up for Aya, she felt proud of her for once, instead of jealous. She never got good grades before, but she studied hard and got into the elite school that Aya had to leave because of her condition.

Hearing about Aya and how she affect those around her...
I think I’ve found my motivation.

I’m going to try harder to continue… Because of Aya.

It might sound silly, to try for someone you don’t know, instead of your family and friends…

But throughout it all, I couldn’t help but think, just like she did so many times, “why did she have to be the one to get the disease?”
She was so motivational, so wonderful to those around her… She had so many talents, so many good things going for her. She was the star of the basketball, a top student, always positive.

Someone like me should have got it instead of her. She should have been able to be with her crush, her friends… She should have been able to get married, and be in love.

That won’t happen for me regardless, so why couldn’t have it been me?

But the reality is, I can’t change it. I can’t switch places with her. So… I have to try harder, for her sake. I have to live my life, because I have a healthy body, and I need to live to my full potential. If she got to go back in time, she wouldn’t be useless like me.

But, the reason why I don’t do much is… Well, I’m kind of sort of really antisocial.

But that doesn’t mean that I can’t write, I can’t draw, and I can’t try to cheer up you guys and my family. Socializing with people I’m close to and trying to be cheery for them might not be the same as making new friends and making a positive change in the life of strangers, but I’ll take one step at a time. For Aya.

I’ll try to be better next year. I’ll try to talk to people if they’re sad. Because I know that’s what Aya would have done if she had a chance.

I’ll work out more, I’ll try to become more fit. Because I know that if Aya had the chance, she wouldn’t have taken her healthy body for granted.

I’ll keep on writing. Because I can’t let the fact that I’m not good get me down; practice is all I can do. The same for drawing.

Because I know that if Aya could relive life, she would have tried even harder. But even before she got the disease, she always had a positive outlook on life. Thinking of her, and thinking of the way I live my life; it's unfair. It's unfair that I'm the one with the healthy body.

So for her, for Aya, I'll live to my full potential.

If you want to know more about Aya's story, watch 1 Litre of Tears. Or you could read her diary, here.

I hope her story inspires you too.

Sayonara,
Komoda

by **shadowsowner888** 6/25/2010, 6:15 pm

Komo-chan, that's beautiful. ^^ So so beautiful. I think I'm going to go watch the first episode of this show right now. That's awesome that you've found your motivation, and I really hope your efforts go well! :3

by **Komoda** 6/25/2010, 6:56 pm

Thanks Ado! ^u^ Btw, I'll reply to your PM later tonight... I just really put off my chores 'til last minute, so I'll be butchered meat if I spend anymore time here. ^^

by **shadowsowner888** 6/25/2010, 7:10 pm

Ah, mkay! ^^ I'll look forward to that, then. And hope I'm still on by that time. XD

(Psst. :O I really did watch it, or at least, the first part of the first episode.)

by **Komoda** 6/25/2010, 9:21 pm

Apparently not... DX

(Ooh, did you like it?)

by **Cyn431** 6/25/2010, 10:34 pm

Aw, what a touching story. ^^˜ That makes me really want to watch the show, which I may or may not do, it depends on how much time I have on my hands (I'm having trouble as it is keeping up with FMA Brotherhood).

Also, I didn't think I'd like the Japanese playlist as much as I am. The guy in the third song—it's Rain, if the text is not deceiving?—has a sweet falsetto. nod

by **shadowsowner888** 6/25/2010, 11:53 pm

Meh. xP

Yesss. :3 But it's kinda scary. Like, anyone at all could get this disease . . . anyone at all . . . *-* You shoulda seen me. I kept touching my nose and then the computer, pretending it was the man's finger, just to make sure my brain still worked.

by **Komoda** 6/26/2010, 12:07 am

Cyn431 wrote:Aw, what a touching story. ^^˜ That makes me really want to watch the show, which I may or may not do, it depends on how much time I have on my hands (I'm having trouble as it is keeping up with FMA Brotherhood).

Also, I didn't think I'd like the Japanese playlist as much as I am. The guy in the third song—it's Rain, if the text is not deceiving?—has a sweet falsetto.

Ah, well it's only 11 episodes; I was able to finish it in two days. So it probably shouldn't take you too much time, if you decide to watch it. :3

I'm glad you like it! Yeah, Rain has a really unique voice. Well, in that song anyway. I like his slow songs better than all his mainstream, poppy ones.

shadowsowner888 wrote:Meh. xP

Yesss. :3 But it's kinda scary. Like, anyone at all could get this disease . . . anyone at all . . . *-* You shoulda seen me. I kept touching my nose and then the computer, pretending it was the man's finger, just to make sure my brain still worked.

XD

Yeah, and what's even scarier is that there are so many more diseases like that. Cerebellar Degeneration is one of many nerve-damaging diseases... But yeah, I find myself doing things like that to. When I walk, I can't help but really pay attention, and be in awe that everything functions properly...
But then again, I did lock myself in the basement all day yesterday, and finished the entire series in maybe a bit over 24 hours? XD So it kind of gets engraved into your mind...

by **shadowsowner888** 6/26/2010, 9:36 am

*shudder* This is the stuff that really creeps me out. It makes me feel all tingly, but not quite tingly at the same time, and like there's this stinging burning in my heart that mixes in with everything else, and it's just scary. Like the time we were watching this thing on TV about neuropathy, which is where the nerves in your feet stop working, and lots of diabetics develop it . . . and idk, your feet still work, but you just can't feel anything. So it's easy to get cut there and develop some infection, and you don't do anything about it because you can't feel it . . . so I kinda went into hysterics when I saw that. I started begging mom and dad to turn it off, and when they didn't, I went and hid under the table . . .

Yeah, though, the awe. I wonder how we even have the will to move ourselves, and how it all even works like that. We don't even need an instruction manual, it's all just there. But even though it's something everyone can do, it'd be so impossible to explain if we had to, and it's just . . . really, really awesome.

by **Komoda** 6/26/2010, 11:40 am

Yikes, that's scary. o.e Really reminds you that ignorance really is bliss...

Yeah, agreed. Everything we do is unexplainable, really... Like breathing. That would be even harder to explain than walking. o.o

by **shadowsowner888** 6/26/2010, 11:47 am

Seriously. ._.

My gosh. o_O You're right. Or thinking.

by **Komoda** 6/26/2010, 11:49 am

Yeah, the idea of thinking just trips me out. D:

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