A Big Secret . A Big War . (Chap. One up!!)
2 posters
Page 1 of 1
A Big Secret . A Big War . (Chap. One up!!)
by DeffGeek101 3/11/2011, 3:07 am
A Big Secret . A Big War .
Chapter One
I rolled my shoulders as the transport shuttle came to a stop, and left the high tech vehicle. I was at the base, finally. It had taken long enough to get here. I blinked a few times as my mask got used to the new lighting and looked around. I began walking, slowly, holding my submachine gun with two hands. I made my way through the metal detector.. Which really wasn’t much of a metal detector as it was a detector, checking my identity. Lately, the ISA thought they were smart enough to sneak by our boarders. Not only are they under equipped compared to us, but they also had no idea of the technology we were capable of. Turning slightly to the left, I approached the check-in desk and nodded politely.
“Welcome back Murphy. They assigned you to the Reloading Station today.”
Stifling a groan, I nodded once more and stepped through the second detector. Over the intercom, I could hear the automated female voice as usual.
“If you witness any suspicious activities please take it straight to your supervisor.”
I rolled my eyes. If they hadn’t noticed me yet, they would be surprised what could get past their eyes.. Or, more accurately, their many sensors and detectors. I walked normally, if anyone saw you running in the halls of the base it was reported as suspicious. Some of the rules they had here were bizarre. But it is the life I fought for.. And chose for myself.
I looked to my left, through a glass wall, to see a transport shuttle land. Two defenseless soldiers, ISA by the look of things, came tumbling out when the door opened. Following them were two fellow Helghast, roughing them up a bit.
I looked ahead again, this all being normal for me. It was normal here. Seeing a random Helghast foot soldier beating up some captured ISA. Sometimes I thought the rules, ideas, and objectives here were wrong, but I knew better than question it. You survive by following orders, not having opinions.
I twirled my way down the halls, up and down some stairs, until I nearly bumped into one of my fellow soldiers.
“Look out, will ya?”
I looked up at him respectfully. “Sorry, man.” I said casually. To me my voice sounded smooth, slightly deep, but in a pretty way. Although I wasn’t much to compliment myself in such ways, even in my mind. But to him, when my voice left the helmet, it sounded rough, and very deep. Manly. Because here, everybody thought I was a man. Boy, were they wrong.
Chapter One
I rolled my shoulders as the transport shuttle came to a stop, and left the high tech vehicle. I was at the base, finally. It had taken long enough to get here. I blinked a few times as my mask got used to the new lighting and looked around. I began walking, slowly, holding my submachine gun with two hands. I made my way through the metal detector.. Which really wasn’t much of a metal detector as it was a detector, checking my identity. Lately, the ISA thought they were smart enough to sneak by our boarders. Not only are they under equipped compared to us, but they also had no idea of the technology we were capable of. Turning slightly to the left, I approached the check-in desk and nodded politely.
“Welcome back Murphy. They assigned you to the Reloading Station today.”
Stifling a groan, I nodded once more and stepped through the second detector. Over the intercom, I could hear the automated female voice as usual.
“If you witness any suspicious activities please take it straight to your supervisor.”
I rolled my eyes. If they hadn’t noticed me yet, they would be surprised what could get past their eyes.. Or, more accurately, their many sensors and detectors. I walked normally, if anyone saw you running in the halls of the base it was reported as suspicious. Some of the rules they had here were bizarre. But it is the life I fought for.. And chose for myself.
I looked to my left, through a glass wall, to see a transport shuttle land. Two defenseless soldiers, ISA by the look of things, came tumbling out when the door opened. Following them were two fellow Helghast, roughing them up a bit.
I looked ahead again, this all being normal for me. It was normal here. Seeing a random Helghast foot soldier beating up some captured ISA. Sometimes I thought the rules, ideas, and objectives here were wrong, but I knew better than question it. You survive by following orders, not having opinions.
I twirled my way down the halls, up and down some stairs, until I nearly bumped into one of my fellow soldiers.
“Look out, will ya?”
I looked up at him respectfully. “Sorry, man.” I said casually. To me my voice sounded smooth, slightly deep, but in a pretty way. Although I wasn’t much to compliment myself in such ways, even in my mind. But to him, when my voice left the helmet, it sounded rough, and very deep. Manly. Because here, everybody thought I was a man. Boy, were they wrong.
Last edited by DeffGeek101 on 3/11/2011, 4:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
DeffGeek101- Inspired Novice
- Posts : 8
Join date : 2011-03-10
Re: A Big Secret . A Big War . (Chap. One up!!)
by shadowsowner888 3/11/2011, 11:29 am
That's a good way to end your chapter - "Because here, everybody thought I was a man. Boy, were they wrong." 
It gives readers a good idea of what the plot's going to be - which is really good, because it can irritate people when you take too long to introduce your plot into a story.
I felt like the opening sentence could have been a bit stronger, though. "I rolled my shoulders as the cart came to a stop, and left the high tech vehicle." It just doesn't offer very much information, and I'm not saying you should turn it into a run-on paragraph so you can describe everything, but maybe you could use a few descriptive adjectives at least? Cart seems like it could mean anything here - a grocery cart, a rickshaw cart, a golf cart . . . XD And it also confuses me a little bit, because I wasn't sure if it was the cart leaving the vehicle, or the person leaving the vehicle which was the cart. So could you modify the sentence somehow to make it more clear?
And also, it's cool that you have these unique terms in your story like Helghast and ISA, but those will probably need explanation at some point, or at least further detail so the readers know more about them. :3 Or maybe they are real terms and I just don't know about them . . . XD In which case, it's my own ignorance that's the problem. But still, in my case at least, elaboration would be appreciated.
But anyway, keep writing! ^^ I enjoy these kinds of stories, lol, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it.
It gives readers a good idea of what the plot's going to be - which is really good, because it can irritate people when you take too long to introduce your plot into a story. I felt like the opening sentence could have been a bit stronger, though. "I rolled my shoulders as the cart came to a stop, and left the high tech vehicle." It just doesn't offer very much information, and I'm not saying you should turn it into a run-on paragraph so you can describe everything, but maybe you could use a few descriptive adjectives at least? Cart seems like it could mean anything here - a grocery cart, a rickshaw cart, a golf cart . . . XD And it also confuses me a little bit, because I wasn't sure if it was the cart leaving the vehicle, or the person leaving the vehicle which was the cart. So could you modify the sentence somehow to make it more clear?
And also, it's cool that you have these unique terms in your story like Helghast and ISA, but those will probably need explanation at some point, or at least further detail so the readers know more about them. :3 Or maybe they are real terms and I just don't know about them . . . XD In which case, it's my own ignorance that's the problem. But still, in my case at least, elaboration would be appreciated.
But anyway, keep writing! ^^ I enjoy these kinds of stories, lol, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it.
shadowsowner888- Admin
-
Posts : 24391
Join date : 2009-06-08
Age : 29 -
Re: A Big Secret . A Big War . (Chap. One up!!)
by DeffGeek101 3/11/2011, 5:06 pm
Modified the sentence. I would like to thank you for your constructive criticism(: It is very hard to get that on other sites. Basically, the Helghast and ISA are both armies, of sorts, if you want to put it that way. This story is based on the game Killzone, so I will try to sum up enough of what is all going on to make the vocabulary understandable.
The Glossary
The Helghast are the main antagonistic force. In this case, my character is a Helghast. They are a humanoid race with a passion for vengeance and hardship, and led by Scolar Visari. They have a striking appearance, similar to that of a Fascist army.
Picture of a group of Helghast here:
History
Sometime in the future, humanity has colonized many planets, in search of a better planet than nuclear ravaged Earth. One group of people, The Helghan Corporation, attempts to colonize the outlying world of Helghan. The Helghan Corporation also finds Vekta, an "Eden" planet with plentiful food, unlike Earth. The UCA and the ISA attack Vekta and forcibly conquer it, mainly because of the growing power of the Helghan Corporation. Most of the Helghan employees are arrested but some Helghan "loyalists" escape to the volatile planet Helghan. Present in Helghan's atmosphere is heavy radiation, which causes the colonists' hair to fall out and their children to be born deformed. In time, the colonists' bodies adapt, allowing them to breathe the caustic air, and has made the average Helghast taller, stronger, faster and more resilient than a normal human being. Due to their unique adaptions they require distinctive specialized respirators when off-world and has lent them the epithet of "Bucketheads" or "Helmet Man." The ISA also refers to them as "Higs".
First Extrasolar War
With a pro-human military, industry and corruption controlling the planet's politics, many impoverished Helghans began to blame Humanity and the ISA for the hardships they have to endure and eventually started the First Extrasolar War. After several years of war, the Helghast were eventually defeated and left as a broken nation. Scolar Visari eventually emerged and took over as the leader of the Helghast and declared himself "Emperor of the Helghast". He began ethnic cleansing programs throughout the Helghan system in an effort to wipe out any human sympathizers. He also began to rebuild the Helghast Army.
Second Extrasolar War
Eventually, the newly elected Helghast emperor Scolar Visari declared war on humanity, invading an Interplanetary Strategic Alliance planet called Vekta. The ISA had built a number of defense platforms above the planet that were supposed to stop an advancing army from attacking or invading and were thought to be foolproof. However, with the help of an ISA traitor General Adams, the platform above Vekta "malfunctioned", leaving the planet open to an attack from the Helghast. Eventually, this platform came under the control of the Helghast. The war continues as the ISA attack Helghan. Scolar Visari speaks of how the invaders will be shown no mercy and that they will be destroyed the second they enter Helghan.
Need-To-Knows about the Helghast in my story
Helghast do not hesitate to execute those who are not born up to standards, or who sympathize with humanity. They are very strict, as in, getting executed for a small uniform violation. "The Academy" is a massive complex where all of the Helghast troops are trained for combat. (My character starts out here). Helghast also have very advanced military technology.
ISA
The Interplanetary Strategic Alliance, or ISA for short, is the force that the Helghast are up against.
The Helghast are the main antagonistic force. In this case, my character is a Helghast. They are a humanoid race with a passion for vengeance and hardship, and led by Scolar Visari. They have a striking appearance, similar to that of a Fascist army.
Picture of a group of Helghast here:
- Spoiler:
History
Sometime in the future, humanity has colonized many planets, in search of a better planet than nuclear ravaged Earth. One group of people, The Helghan Corporation, attempts to colonize the outlying world of Helghan. The Helghan Corporation also finds Vekta, an "Eden" planet with plentiful food, unlike Earth. The UCA and the ISA attack Vekta and forcibly conquer it, mainly because of the growing power of the Helghan Corporation. Most of the Helghan employees are arrested but some Helghan "loyalists" escape to the volatile planet Helghan. Present in Helghan's atmosphere is heavy radiation, which causes the colonists' hair to fall out and their children to be born deformed. In time, the colonists' bodies adapt, allowing them to breathe the caustic air, and has made the average Helghast taller, stronger, faster and more resilient than a normal human being. Due to their unique adaptions they require distinctive specialized respirators when off-world and has lent them the epithet of "Bucketheads" or "Helmet Man." The ISA also refers to them as "Higs".
First Extrasolar War
With a pro-human military, industry and corruption controlling the planet's politics, many impoverished Helghans began to blame Humanity and the ISA for the hardships they have to endure and eventually started the First Extrasolar War. After several years of war, the Helghast were eventually defeated and left as a broken nation. Scolar Visari eventually emerged and took over as the leader of the Helghast and declared himself "Emperor of the Helghast". He began ethnic cleansing programs throughout the Helghan system in an effort to wipe out any human sympathizers. He also began to rebuild the Helghast Army.
Second Extrasolar War
Eventually, the newly elected Helghast emperor Scolar Visari declared war on humanity, invading an Interplanetary Strategic Alliance planet called Vekta. The ISA had built a number of defense platforms above the planet that were supposed to stop an advancing army from attacking or invading and were thought to be foolproof. However, with the help of an ISA traitor General Adams, the platform above Vekta "malfunctioned", leaving the planet open to an attack from the Helghast. Eventually, this platform came under the control of the Helghast. The war continues as the ISA attack Helghan. Scolar Visari speaks of how the invaders will be shown no mercy and that they will be destroyed the second they enter Helghan.
Need-To-Knows about the Helghast in my story
Helghast do not hesitate to execute those who are not born up to standards, or who sympathize with humanity. They are very strict, as in, getting executed for a small uniform violation. "The Academy" is a massive complex where all of the Helghast troops are trained for combat. (My character starts out here). Helghast also have very advanced military technology.
ISA
The Interplanetary Strategic Alliance, or ISA for short, is the force that the Helghast are up against.
DeffGeek101- Inspired Novice
- Posts : 8
Join date : 2011-03-10
Re: A Big Secret . A Big War . (Chap. One up!!)
by shadowsowner888 3/11/2011, 5:44 pm
You're welcome! :3 And thanks for posting the extra info about the ISA and Helghast - I think I understand them better now. x3 That was really helpful.
shadowsowner888- Admin
-
Posts : 24391
Join date : 2009-06-08
Age : 29 -
Similar topics» The Secret Waterfall.
» - The Secret Waterfall -
» The Secret Waterfall.
» - The Secret Waterfall -
» Hi, I'm Secret Ninja!
» - The Secret Waterfall -
» The Secret Waterfall.
» - The Secret Waterfall -
» Hi, I'm Secret Ninja!
Page 1 of 1
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum|
|
|