The Darkness Within the...... ( I Re-did the whole story :) And changed the Title Read it hope You like it :) )

Her name was Nancy. She was 14 years old and already rebelling some what. She was in her room in a black bean bag chair in the corner of her small room. She sat there listing to music when she heard a bleeping noise. She had gotten an email from an unknown email address. She curiosly read the email slowly. Nancy gasped at the email. She quickly set her laptop down and ran to the white door. She ran down the hall to her mom's room. " Mom." Nancy called. She opened the large door that lea into her mother's room or so she thought. Nancy had opened a door to a country side. A house sat in the middle of the eligant grasslands all around it. Nancy stepped through the door. As she did this many flashbacks that had been erased it seemed came flooding back into the brain and hert filled heart of Nancy. She fell to her knees as she remember everything of her childhood. Nancy was in tears before a man that looked to mabe be in colege came running out. " Nancy. Oh Nancy you have come back." The man said as he came rushing up to Nancy will arms spread out wide. Nancy was sobbing the memories hurt " Who.... Who are you?" Nancy asked tears dripping down her cheeks. " The man replied." I am Griffen or Gerard as many people about your age call me." Gerard said. He smiled at Nancy with hopful eyes. He looked at Nancy's sad eyes. " Why are you crying?" Gerard asked. Nancy looked up at the man and gasped. " Holy crap its ... its Gerard Way" Nancy said screaming and jumping up and down. Gerard smiled and shaked his head. " I knew you would catch on sooner or later." Gerard said smiling. Nancy hesitated before hugging Gerard. " Wait how did you know my name??" Nancy asked. Gerard smiled. " I'm your brother. Your older brother." Gerard replied to Nancy question. Nancy gasped. " What ?? I don't have a brother." Nancy said. After she said that her "mother" came out from the house. " Yes you do Nancy." Nancy's mom said smiling. She walked over to them and smiled she put one hand on Gerard's shoulder and another on Nancy's. Nancy was shocked. " Why did you keep this from me ,mom??" Nancy asked her mother. " Oh, and another thing I'm not your mother. Your mother was killed by a fire in that very house. the government rebuilt it. Gerard here said that it was your other brother Mikey who set the house on fire." Janice said. Janice was Nancy's mothers name. Janice smiled and bowed respectfully. She quietly walked through the white door back into her house and left Nancy with Gerard standing in the knee high grass. Nancy and Gerard smiled at each other as the ran back into to the house. Nancy twirled around in the fouyer as she looked at everything in sight. Nancy squelled in excitment. She had a brother but she wanted to know more.

Nancy was in her room waiting for somthing to happen.




((I Re did the whole story i hope you like the new version ))

(The section of the story would depend on how much it's based on something else. Are you using characters, setting, and plots from another work, or is it just, say, a character based on somebody else's character?)

Anyway, I like it. x3 It looks like you could work a little bit on improving the spelling and grammar, but the story itself is cool. Keep writing!

( its just charecters and mabe setting from the Vampire Dairies. )
Ok

Pretty good. Obviously it needs a little bit more to it, but other than that, I like it.

(( thanks Szam. im still woking on it. ))

(No problem. I like writting,k but lately, I've had a bit of a writters block... Not with RPing, but like, other things... I hate it *the Writters Block*.)

(( hahahahaha your funny im stupid and an idiot cause im a retard cause imm................ i have no idea ))

((Ooh. you added more. I liek it. "Nice use of black." I wish I could do my room in black, but I can't, alas... LOL.))

(( yeah me to im jelous of Nancy buit shes supposed to be me so ))

LOL. So basically you're jealous of yourself...? COOLIOZZZZ

Pretty much

LOLZZ. Yeah, I made myself into something, I forget what it was, but I was jealous, because it was in my "book"

yeah hahahaha

Isn't it wonderful to be jealous of yourself??? NOT. LOL.

LOL.
Could you imagine being a real Vampire? That would be awesome. but, alas. I'm only a Vampyre *Means Gothic* which I already told you...

yeah it would be soooo much fun to be a vampire

IKR? I mean, never have to eat, just go out, and stalk an animal, and drink its blood. AWESOME!!!!

Yeah thats easy go to the woods DIE yummm

LOL! Yeah. Awesomeness.

Ohhhh yeah

LOL!


(I replied on the RP...)

Wonderful.

But yes, just a little bit more work on the grammar. As well as, maybe you could try to detail some parts, a bit more? EXAMPLE;

"Mom, do you know a Griffen?" her mom tensed.

That could be changed to.. [And this is only a mere suggestion. ]

"Mom," Nancy began, glancing at her mom. "Do you know anyone called Griffen?" she asked, curious to know what her mom's answer was bound to be. She remarked her mom tensing suddenly at the question, like as if something was wrong- as if the question bothered her.

[[Just a suggestion, indeed. ]]

(( ok im not good at that but ill try ))

I'm not that good at it, either. XD I just force myself to type as much as I can. Pretend you'll get a cookie for making a detailed post. It works all the time. X1