The Sown Shadow - Bringing you yesterday's news today!

When I wrote this last night, I was emo. Now I'm not.

I’m happy with my lot in life, I guess. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, not even to be normal instead of having this freaking terminal illness, because then I’d lose my friends (including you guys), my site, my writing, everything that makes me who I am . . .

But I’m not happy as a person. Some of the time. Like now.

I watched A Walk to Remember, cus I just found out we had it in this stack of DVDs my grandpa recorded for us. And since it was one of those movies my BFF had been wanting me to see, I watched it.

Now I’m jealous. ._. Of Jamie, the one in the movie. SPOILER ALERT - she had a terminal illness, but she still had a great relationship (with a guy that looks like Edward); she fell in love and got married. And the guy didn’t even care she was terminal. He just loved her.

Why can’t that be me?? Of course I’m not eighteen like they were, but still. Where’s my unconditional lover? Who’s there for me? Who cares about me enough to be my best friend for life, to be in love with me, even though I’m terminal and I’m gonna die earlier than most?

Where’s my happy ending?

My mom was being a werewolf again today. And I’d thought she was actually making an effort . . . clearly I was wrong. She’s just a selfish werewolf all the way through. Some people, like my BFF’s dad, think she’s nice. But that’s just because all they see is this fake little shell that she surrounds herself with when she talks to anyone that’s not a part of her family.

What I wonder is, in Dragon Soul, am I/will I be even getting this right? All this love stuff, about what it’s like to be a loving parent . . . I’m just writing based on things I’ve read in Chicken Soup or seen on TV. I think I’ll be able to at least get the parent stuff right . . . but I wonder where it comes from, if I do get it right. Because I sure as heck haven’t experienced that love myself.

I haven’t smiled in at least twenty minutes. Maybe I won’t have to the rest of the night. Maybe everyone else cares little enough about me not to remember that I still haven’t chosen something for family night yet, so I can just hide out in my room. Hide out and be miserable, especially as I look up on the wall above the sofa and see my picture of Jamie, and wish I was there next to him. And as I wish I was in his arms. Loved. Wanted. Happy. Whole.

So I lay my head back down . . . and I lift my hands and pray, to be only yours I pray, to be only yours, I know now you’re my only hope.

Newest theme song. An entirely true story.

When I go to bed at night, I pray. I pray for you guys (in a good way, since it’s not like you guys are lost souls or anything of course), I pray for my RL friends, I pray for people I don’t know, I pray for my parents. And I pray for me. That if it’s His will, Jamie will fall in love with me, and I with him. And I’ll have my best (guy) friend forever, and have the perfect boyfriend, and get married and stuff . . . That I’ll be happy. Forever, away from my parents. It’s my only hope.

Sometimes, I just lay on my sofa . . . and I close my eyes, and picture myself as Kayla. I’m with Cody, and his arms around me, and I’m warm and content. I’m loved and cared for.

Sometimes, I lay on my sofa and try to cry. It’s the one thing that somehow always manages to escape me when I need it the most. When I feel horrible. And that’s the whole point of crying, since it relieves pain and stress, and acts as an anti-depressant . . . why can my tear glands never function write?

So then I write another depressing blog, hoping it’ll move me enough to start crying.

Then I nestle myself against the sofa, and imagine I’m in Jamie’s arms, as me. And I want it so badly to be true . . . I’d give anything for him to care about me.

Kayda got her shooting star, her wish, her perfect guy.

So where’s mine?

Jamie got her miracle, her number one goal, her perfect guy.

Where’s mine?

Kayla’s foster mom hated her. Her real dad hates her. But her mom loved her, and her foster dad loves her. Her BFF loved her, her new best girl friend loves her, her best guy friend loves her, and Cody loves her.

Who loves me? :’(

Maybe if I go play guitar, I’ll finally be able to cry.

Aw, I'm glad that you aren't in such a crummy mood now. I know it's tough when going through those kinda moods- I know the feeling. -.- But what gets me through is knowing that we're still young and have years ahead of us. Besides, all teenagers are moody and crap. XP My sister used to hate our parents so much... And now she's super close with them since she's an adultish. So it just takes time. You'll get through this phase, and you'll always have us. We Twigers love you, Shadow. :3

You have a terminal illness...? I'm so sorry, Shadow.

I'm so sorry, Shad. I hate those kind of moods too. xP
Feel better soon.

That literally almost made me cry. I'm so sorry, Shadz. *huggle*

Yay!! I'm relatable when I'm moody and crap!

xP

Well, yeah, kinda. xD Diabetes. Cus my body doesn't make insulin, which converts sugar and starch and such into energy, and so I take it by shots. Otherwise, all the sugar builds up in my blood or something and I feel like crap, and if I don't take the shot soon I'll die within a month I think. xP

But even when I'm taking the shots, my blood sugar's always going to spike up at least some of the time. And having high blood sugar actually damages my organs, so I'm gonna die about sixty or so from kidney failure or heart failure or something.

Of course, though, I'm gonna get healed. So I just gotta be patient and wait for my miracle . . .

Thanks Ari and Saddle. x3 I'm feeling better now, so it's all good.

Aw....

Oh, I'm so sorry, Shadow. I'm glad that it's nothing like cancer, though.

Yeah, cancer would suck. xP *shudders* It's okay.