The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
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The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Komoda 5/11/2010, 12:59 am
And there you stood, holding me
Waiting for me to notice you
But who are you?
~ Flyleaf
That's what life's about, isn't it?
Staying strong for those who can't.
I mean, I've contemplated suicide before... There was a point where I just didn't want to live.
And I really had no intentions of being selfish.
People don't realize that a majority of the time, suicidal people actually feel useless. Worthless. They feel as if the world would be better off without them. As if the sacrifice needs to be done.
And that's why it made me sick. Absolutely disgusted and horrified with my friends. It was a few months ago, but I still remember her words...
"There was this guy who went to my dad's school who attempted suicide three times. *uncontrollable laughter* You must really suck at life if you can't even kill yourself!"
I can't even remember how I reacted to it. All I remember is them being annoyed with me for treating the situation like World War 3...
But you just don't say crap like that.
And then they have the nerve to say killing yourself is selfish...
Of course it is to an extent, but you can't judge someone like that. It's just wrong.
They have no freaking idea what if feels like to want to kill themselves. Sure, one or two of them has cut themselves because they were curious to see how it dulled their pain, just like they were curious to try weed...
But deppression is an actual mental illness. You feel empty, completely worthless. It doesn't necessarily have to do with anyone around you. Something could have caused your deppression, but people with actually clinical deppression might have a perfect life. Just inwardly isolated. Apathetic. It's like nothing matters anymore. The routine's so monotonous, going for a miserable day at work or school, then returning home and crying. Every dang night.
Reminding yourself it won't get better. You'll be alone forever. No one cares. No one can relate to you. You're on your own. You're a hideous pathetic and stupid excuse for a human being. You didn't deserve a mark on your report card (unless it's absolutely horrible), your parents would be better off without you, and so would your friends...
No, I'm not directing this at any of you. In fact, it's the exact opposite to the truth for all of you. But imagine feeling like that all the time (and if you already do feel that way, you know what I'm talking about)... No matter how false it is, you believe it with the very core of your being.
But gosh, you don't have the guts to grab the gun. Not like you can find it anyway. So you get up to find a knife, but realize it's a bad idea and go back to crying again. Sometimes you pretend to hang yourself with the cord of the shower to see what it feels like. Cutting yourself would be too obvious and the scarring would never go away; you're too logical for that. So you play games with your friends like bloody knuckles to give you an excuse for self harm because that's what you deserve. You yell at them when they don't hit hard enough. You provoke them so that they're angry. You don't care as your blood vessels pop. You're jealous that they're more bloody than you are.
And it's hard to realize why one would feel this way. Genetics, negative energy, wacked out brain patterns, or a reason related to personal experience. Regardless...
In the mind of someone suicidal, it's not necessarily to get away from the pain. Of course it's not the same for everyone, but it very well could be because... Well, you think you're a burden.
Thinking like that is a bad habit... But you can get out of it.
Me... I know this sounds ridiculously corny, cliche, and every other colour on the rainbow...
But I think religion was what helped me semi get out of it.
I still have my bad days. My happiness is really fragile, as weak as I feel admitting it. One failed test, and all the thoughts flood back...
But just having something to hope for, it gave me faith in myself too. And there are so many other things to motivate one other than religion... I mean, another huge help was health class. We did a unit on suicide, and there was this video we watched... This boy who would have been out of highschool in a few weeks, with his whole future ahead of him... Commited suicide. And I guess it doesn't sound like anything severe or particularly tear jerking when I say it so simply, but when you see the look in his mother's eyes as she talks about it...
Gosh, you never want to see pain like that. I could never do that to my parents.
As much as I really don't want to admit anyone cares about me, because of modesty or stubbornness who knows, I just wouldn't ever want them to go through that.
So, just think... I can guarantee you that even if you think you're useless and unloved now... It's not true. There's at least one person out there who cares about you, and you probably don't even know it. And if you think you're useless, at least you're ALIVE. You have so much potential, if you just stay strong... Stay strong for your family, your friends, your significant other, your animals, your god... Whatever motivates you, hold on to it tight and never let go. Attachment isn't always the healthiest thing, but if you use it as a source of strength rather than reliance... You'll become incredible.
Each and every one of you will be great if you aren't already, I can say that for sure.
Waiting for me to notice you
But who are you?
~ Flyleaf
May 10th
*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~ *
*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~ *
*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~ *
*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~ *
That's what life's about, isn't it?
Staying strong for those who can't.
I mean, I've contemplated suicide before... There was a point where I just didn't want to live.
And I really had no intentions of being selfish.
People don't realize that a majority of the time, suicidal people actually feel useless. Worthless. They feel as if the world would be better off without them. As if the sacrifice needs to be done.
And that's why it made me sick. Absolutely disgusted and horrified with my friends. It was a few months ago, but I still remember her words...
"There was this guy who went to my dad's school who attempted suicide three times. *uncontrollable laughter* You must really suck at life if you can't even kill yourself!"
I can't even remember how I reacted to it. All I remember is them being annoyed with me for treating the situation like World War 3...
But you just don't say crap like that.
And then they have the nerve to say killing yourself is selfish...
Of course it is to an extent, but you can't judge someone like that. It's just wrong.
They have no freaking idea what if feels like to want to kill themselves. Sure, one or two of them has cut themselves because they were curious to see how it dulled their pain, just like they were curious to try weed...
But deppression is an actual mental illness. You feel empty, completely worthless. It doesn't necessarily have to do with anyone around you. Something could have caused your deppression, but people with actually clinical deppression might have a perfect life. Just inwardly isolated. Apathetic. It's like nothing matters anymore. The routine's so monotonous, going for a miserable day at work or school, then returning home and crying. Every dang night.
Reminding yourself it won't get better. You'll be alone forever. No one cares. No one can relate to you. You're on your own. You're a hideous pathetic and stupid excuse for a human being. You didn't deserve a mark on your report card (unless it's absolutely horrible), your parents would be better off without you, and so would your friends...
No, I'm not directing this at any of you. In fact, it's the exact opposite to the truth for all of you. But imagine feeling like that all the time (and if you already do feel that way, you know what I'm talking about)... No matter how false it is, you believe it with the very core of your being.
But gosh, you don't have the guts to grab the gun. Not like you can find it anyway. So you get up to find a knife, but realize it's a bad idea and go back to crying again. Sometimes you pretend to hang yourself with the cord of the shower to see what it feels like. Cutting yourself would be too obvious and the scarring would never go away; you're too logical for that. So you play games with your friends like bloody knuckles to give you an excuse for self harm because that's what you deserve. You yell at them when they don't hit hard enough. You provoke them so that they're angry. You don't care as your blood vessels pop. You're jealous that they're more bloody than you are.
And it's hard to realize why one would feel this way. Genetics, negative energy, wacked out brain patterns, or a reason related to personal experience. Regardless...
In the mind of someone suicidal, it's not necessarily to get away from the pain. Of course it's not the same for everyone, but it very well could be because... Well, you think you're a burden.
Thinking like that is a bad habit... But you can get out of it.
Me... I know this sounds ridiculously corny, cliche, and every other colour on the rainbow...
But I think religion was what helped me semi get out of it.
I still have my bad days. My happiness is really fragile, as weak as I feel admitting it. One failed test, and all the thoughts flood back...
But just having something to hope for, it gave me faith in myself too. And there are so many other things to motivate one other than religion... I mean, another huge help was health class. We did a unit on suicide, and there was this video we watched... This boy who would have been out of highschool in a few weeks, with his whole future ahead of him... Commited suicide. And I guess it doesn't sound like anything severe or particularly tear jerking when I say it so simply, but when you see the look in his mother's eyes as she talks about it...
Gosh, you never want to see pain like that. I could never do that to my parents.
As much as I really don't want to admit anyone cares about me, because of modesty or stubbornness who knows, I just wouldn't ever want them to go through that.
So, just think... I can guarantee you that even if you think you're useless and unloved now... It's not true. There's at least one person out there who cares about you, and you probably don't even know it. And if you think you're useless, at least you're ALIVE. You have so much potential, if you just stay strong... Stay strong for your family, your friends, your significant other, your animals, your god... Whatever motivates you, hold on to it tight and never let go. Attachment isn't always the healthiest thing, but if you use it as a source of strength rather than reliance... You'll become incredible.
Each and every one of you will be great if you aren't already, I can say that for sure.
Good evening,
~ Komoda
~ Komoda
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by shadowsowner888 5/11/2010, 5:25 pm
*puts self in place of depressed people*
Oh my gosh. That feels horrible. ._.
Komoda, this is a really really good blog. The message is so beautiful, and you put it all into words so well. I can't agree more with it.
And youuuu, you can't do anything to yourself. I need you to stay here, Komo-chan, with me. *puppy eyes* Gosh, just trying to picture you being gone forever is painful. (This is my way of saying that I'm one of those people who cares.
)
And as for your friend, that's a horrible comment of her to make. >.> She obviously doesn't understand it. She needs to learn her lessons better!
Oh my gosh. That feels horrible. ._.
Komoda, this is a really really good blog. The message is so beautiful, and you put it all into words so well. I can't agree more with it.
And youuuu, you can't do anything to yourself. I need you to stay here, Komo-chan, with me. *puppy eyes* Gosh, just trying to picture you being gone forever is painful. (This is my way of saying that I'm one of those people who cares.
)And as for your friend, that's a horrible comment of her to make. >.> She obviously doesn't understand it. She needs to learn her lessons better!
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Noah the Flood 5/11/2010, 6:43 pm
This was deep, Mo. Very deep.
You know, and Shad, plus maybe two more people what I did.
And now it feels horrible.
I ALMOST felt that way last year.
Crying in bed, but not having the guts.
But I can't even compare to what other people do.
Its just so sad...and people don't make it any better by making jokes.
You know, and Shad, plus maybe two more people what I did.
And now it feels horrible.
I ALMOST felt that way last year.
Crying in bed, but not having the guts.
But I can't even compare to what other people do.
Its just so sad...and people don't make it any better by making jokes.
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Komoda 5/11/2010, 7:14 pm
@Ado:
Yeah... :/
Thank you. :]
XD Aw, thankies Ado. ^^ I dunno what I'd do without you, either.
Yeah, I totally agree. Oh well, she's just really immature. She'll understand one of these days.
@Noah:
Thank you!
Yeah, I'm so sorry that you felt that way, Noah.
I really hope that it feels better now.
And yeah, I feel so bad for those people. Like, imagine how they'd feel if they heard what my friends were saying? :/ I mean, the racists comments my friends make are bad enough, but when they start joking about people who are so emotionally fragile in the first place, that's taken it even further than it already is.
Yeah... :/
Thank you. :]
XD Aw, thankies Ado. ^^ I dunno what I'd do without you, either.
Yeah, I totally agree. Oh well, she's just really immature. She'll understand one of these days.
@Noah:
Thank you!
Yeah, I'm so sorry that you felt that way, Noah.
I really hope that it feels better now. And yeah, I feel so bad for those people. Like, imagine how they'd feel if they heard what my friends were saying? :/ I mean, the racists comments my friends make are bad enough, but when they start joking about people who are so emotionally fragile in the first place, that's taken it even further than it already is.
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by shadowsowner888 5/11/2010, 7:21 pm
:3 Awyay!
Better hope so, or I might have to throw rawr meat at her. xP
Better hope so, or I might have to throw rawr meat at her. xP
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Jesus4Eternity 5/11/2010, 8:52 pm
Komoda? Where do you find this wisdom? It's so amazing and life-changing for a fifteen-year-old. Are you sure you're only fifteen? You sound so mature.
By the way, do you mind if I e-mail this to my mom? I really want her to read it. (:
By the way, do you mind if I e-mail this to my mom? I really want her to read it. (:
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Komoda 5/11/2010, 9:47 pm
@Ado:
Ahaha, that would be great. XD
@Amanda:
You really think so? Wow, thank you so much, Amanda. ^^
Yeah, go right ahead! I'd be honored.
Ahaha, that would be great. XD
@Amanda:
You really think so? Wow, thank you so much, Amanda. ^^
Yeah, go right ahead! I'd be honored.
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by shadowsowner888 5/12/2010, 12:56 pm
See, Amanda? 
Didn't I tell you it was a good blog?!
x3 It quite would, Komo.
Didn't I tell you it was a good blog?!x3 It quite would, Komo.
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Miss_Mioko 5/13/2010, 10:47 am
Thank you my best friend(one of them) felt like this and then she came over and I let her read this and she took it to heart and she is so much happyier
and its thanks to you and what you put on here... so again thank you so much...
and its thanks to you and what you put on here... so again thank you so much...
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Komoda 5/13/2010, 7:07 pm
Aw, I'm so, so glad that this helped your friend, Mioko! You're very welcome.
You're very welcome.
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Arianna 5/14/2010, 6:07 am
Komoda, this is so true and worded perfectly.
I feel so sorry for people who do this to themselves in the first place.
I feel so sorry for people who do this to themselves in the first place.
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Re: The Ambiguity of Thought ~ You're Alive
by Komoda 5/14/2010, 8:12 pm
Thank you so much, Ari. ^^
Yeah, me too...
Yeah, me too...
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