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---Unexpected--- really needs a title ...[Chapter 4 is UP!]...

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Post by Rai 6/27/2010, 10:27 am

Maturity: Medium... there is some death && blood, but it's not super detailed. Wink Let me know if this should be High instead. x3

Fantasy: HIGH! Elves, Unrealistic Events, etc. [you'll see Wink]



Chapter One: Unexpected.

I ran deeper into the forest, gasping for breath. My blonde hair was plastered to my face. Suddenly, I stopped, my legs burning. All around me was still and quiet. My bright, deep blue eyes searched above,, looking for any sign of the planes. Not seeing any of them, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I looked down at my black converse. They were caked with mud: the same as my bare legs. A bush in front of me moved, and I immediately dropped to the ground. I hid behind a large tuft of a plant and immediately knew I couldn’t be seen. I looked again at the bush that had moved a few moments ago. Staring intently, the leaves turned to a bright purple. Something bad was in there. Something bad, that was not on my side. I grabbed a large, hard rock and quickly scrambled up the tree. My arms and legs seemed to silently grip the tree trunk, pulling me up farther into the tree. Getting to the top of the tree, I sucked in a huge but silent breath and continued to peer at the purple bush. I turned the cold rock against the palm of my hand. My hand fumbled around my pocket for a moment, before finding my slingshot. I stuck the rock in the rubber sling, and aimed at the still-purple bush. I let go, the rock flying. Suddenly, I heard a hollow thump, and a large intake of air. Seconds later, a small, extremely pale animal/thing/human fell out of the bush’s coverage, and slumped into the foliage. The bush quickly returned to its natural green color, and I climbed down the tree. Walking on the ground, I looked for a stick. I whittled the end to a sharp point within a few seconds, using my multi-purpose pocket knife. I then walked over to the small human-like shape, and studied it a bit more carefully, cocking my head to one side. Without notice, I jabbed the stick into the belly of the creature, satisfied it was dead. Warm, red liquid started to steadily flow from its body. I decided I’d seen and done enough: I needed to find my way out of here now.

I walked through the forest, my senses on high-alert. Peering around trees and bushes carefully, I continued to move forward without a sound. There wasn’t much activity right now, which I hoped was a whim of good luck. But, with my [bad] luck, you’d never think of that. I quickened my pace, and soon was out of the forest. I appeared in the backyard of a homey-looking wooden cabin. I walked over to it, and then opened the side door, which led into the house. I set my jacket on the counter, carefully and quickly taking my slingshot and pocket knife from it. I sensed someone watching me, and looked into the hallway.

My little sister was standing there, watching me behind her soft green eyes. I smiled and she walked over to me, her white bow bouncing on top of her head as she walked. She took my jacket off of the counter, and hung it up on the coatrack beside it.

“Hey, hun,” I said, picking her up and balancing her on my hip.
“What were you doing?” She asked, her voice more sweet and soft than mine.
“Eh, just exploring with Charlie,” I lied.

I hated to lie to her, but I didn’t want to scare her by telling her the real situation. I just smiled and acted like nothing had been killed back in those woods, nothing that could hurt her. But I wasn’t going to let that happen: not over my freaking dead body.

Which would probably be in that state very soon.

She smiled at me, and her eyes lit up.
“So, do you want to play with me?” she asked, her irresistible face peering up at me.
“You know, Sal, I would love to, but I’ve got to clean up. I look like a pig.” I said, with a chuckle.

Sally giggled, and jumped out of my arms onto the ground.
“Okay!” Sal's voice was still happy, even though I’d just turned her down.

I set her onto the couch and turned on the television. I tossed her the remotes, which she fumbled with before setting them next to her. I smiled, and then left the room and went to take a shower.





Chapter Two: Unknown

I walked down the hallway quickly, my hand tracing the familiar wooden walls. I got to the second door on the left, and stepped in. My feet reached the stunningly cold, white tiles. I turned on the shower, not sure what direction I turned the knob in. I quickly peeled my tattered, mud-spattered clothes off, and threw them into the hamper. I looked in the mirror, and rubbed my face. As I looked at my reflection, I saw something odd on the palm of my hand. I slowly moved my hand from my cheek, and quickly flipped it over, palm up. I studied it for a moment. That was odd. Very odd, indeed.

It was purple.

I cursed in my mind, making sure not to say it out loud while Sally was still in earshot. Something infected of them had gotten in me. I'm sure they could track me right now. Hopping in the shower, I vigorously rubbed my face and rest of my body. I heard planes above, but I'd heard them so much lately that I dismissed it. I rubbed and scratched my mud-caked, scratched legs, eventually getting the mud off every part of my body. After I washed my hair, I decided I'd focus on my hand.

I thought and stood in the warm water for a moment, thinking how I could've gotten infected. My mind seemed to rewind to the moment of leaping behind the brush. I had crawled across the ground, and then picked up a rock. I had then climbed up the tree, grabbed my slingshot, and shot the elf. My mind immediately went back to the rock. The rock!

It had been the rock that had been infected! There probably wasn't much of a way to tell at the moment of picking up the rock, but there sure as heck was now. I knew that probably, at this moment, I was being tracked.

Not that I hadn't been before.

But now it was much, much easier for them to know where I was. I rubbed my hand hopelessly, knowing it probably wouldn't help. I rubbed it for a while and eventually stopped. I looked down at my hand, and my hand was raw from rubbing it so much and hard. It stung, but I pushed the pain away. Hopping out of the shower, I took a dark, forest green towel, and ran across the hallway into my room.

Once I was in my room, I pulled on green athletic shorts, and a dark brown, loose t-shirt. I threw my wet hair up, into an extremely messy ponytail, and threw some socks on. I got into the living room, sat on the couch, and looked at my purple palm again. The skin had healed, miraculously, to show the large purple spot still remained. I sighed, and I felt tears begin to form in my eyes. My eyes stung, but I pushed the tears away immediately. I would not cry: I hadn't cried in years. I was stronger and more equipped then they thought. They were NOT going to win.

But that was before I looked up and saw Sal was gone.






- - - - - -

Help with the name for the story would be awesome. Very Happy
Thanks for reading: if you're reading, I would appreciate your post. :3 I would like honest opinions, too: be as tough as you'd like. Smile

- - - - - -



Chapter 3: Unnoticed

I quickly hopped up from the couch, my mouth was wide with shock. The place where Sal had sat was, was just... empty. I went into panic mode, and ran around the house, trying to find Sally. I called out her name, what might've been a million times. Finally, I stopped. She wasn't here. That was it. She just... wasn't. My eyes began to fill with tears, and I let myself cry. They had taken the dearest thing from me. They were complete monsters. I had just been a kid, trying to mind her own business with a regular (okay, maybe not regular) life before they'd come: once I figured out their secret.

I walked around, trying to get my bearings. Now, they KNEW Sally was extremely close to me. They knew I would do anything to get her back. As I walked around, I noticed a white slip of paper on the table. Running over, I smacked my hand onto the table and picked up the paper. My eyes skipped over this letter:

Dear Riley Amanda Koleman,
It has come to our attention you have figured out something that was not meant to be figured out. You're younger sister, Sally Emma Koleman, has been taken under the government's possession. Unless you contact us with the phone number at the end of this letter so we may arrange a meeting, your sister will not be returned to you. You may not call the police: remember, we control the police. Do not try and fight your way out of this one, Riley.

Contact us at: 555-6391

From,
Lieutenant Charles Manning



I spit on the paper, just for the *heck* of it. Oh my GOSH. They actually TOOK her. I saw red, and my head began to pound. I grabbed my home phone, and held it up to my ear, listening to the dial tone. My fingers flew across the numbers, trying to find the right buttons. I held the phone up to my ear once I was done dialing, and waited for an answer.

"Ah, Riley," a cold voice answered.

"Shutup, *badwordofyourchoicehere*," I spat. "Just tell me the deal."

"No need to be angry," the voice said, with a snicker. If only I could see his face now.

"I believe there is," I hissed into the phone, my voice even colder than his at this point.

"Okay, listen to me you little brat," the cold voice growled, suddenly getting more serious, "We have your sister. We will not reveal her location until we settle a, uh," He paused for a moment, "...deal."

I wasn't intimidated at all by his seriousness, "I know it's more than a deal, you dumb pig."

"Just meet us at the corner of Walnut Avenue, intersecting with Halloway Road."

I hung up the phone immediately, and then got my stuff ready. This was going to be more than just a meeting. I packed a bunch of stuff in my backpack: gauze, water, food, and other things. I also packed Sally's favorite stuffed animals. I looked at my father's old pistol and it's bullets. I could hide the bullets somewhere: maybe the pistol. I took the bullets out the pistol and some of the other bullets scrambled around in the drawer. I set some of the bullets in the jar of almonds I'd packed. The rest of the bullets went in random places, about 25-200 per place. I looked at the gun, and searched for a place to hide it. Smiling at my idea, took another roll of gauze, which was under the sink, and set the gun in the palm of my hand: the one with the purple on the palm. I began to wrap the gauze around the hand, and some of my arm.

Once I was finished, I looked down at my hand. I turned it over a few times, inspecting it. I smiled once more, and felt satisfied for a few moments, before remembering the situation.

I got up, using my unwrapped arm, and walked towards the door. I looked back one last time, and said a silent goodbye to the house. I'd be gone for a while, I knew. Walking out the door, I thought: "Welp, maybe I should be taking the expression "death wish" a little more literally now. Here goes nothing."





Chapter 4: Unprepared.

I stepped out of the house and began to walk down the long, gravelly road. The rocks crunched under my shoes. I was on high-alert: anything could happen right now. I was actually in contact with the enemy. My mind was racing and before I knew it, I was at the corner where I was supposed to meet them. It was pretty hot outside and I wiped the sweat beads from my forehead. I was surprised that they weren't here yet. I never would've guessed they would be late for the 'meeting.'

Suddenly, a large black vehicle pulled up. Three men stepped out of the car, each with equally bald heads and mysterious black sunglasses. They also each had black microchips in their ears, which I assumed were supposed to be unnoticed. I could hear a muffled, almost silent noise coming from them. When the voice in their ears stopped, one of the men came forward.

"Riley?" He asked suspiciously.
I folded my arms. "Riley." I said flatly.

There was another muffled noise in the man's ear, coming from the ear phone. It stopped and the man spoke again.

"I'm 'Yuki.'" He said.

"Sounds like 'Dookey' to me," I said, unimpressed.

"Hush," He said viscously.

"Alright." I said, even though every fiber in my body was screaming to rebel him and run. My feet stayed planted in the ground.

"Let me check your backpack," He ordered.

"I assume you already know what's in there. So I won't let you check my backpack. It's my property and you're not my parent," I said.

The man didn't seem to know what to say. He stuttered for a moment and I heard the microchip voice come to save him. The voice spoke for a few more moments.

"Fine," the man said.

"Would you like some ice for that burn?" I mumbled.

Two of the three men took me by the arms and struggled to take me over to the black SUV. I kicked the men, throwing my legs wildly. I yelled and screamed, and began to spit on the men. Lemme go, lemme go, lemme go! I thought. I just continued to scream and kick. I found out I could use a bit of my arms and I hit both of the men on the back of their heads. One of the men fell to the ground and I laughed maniacally. I began to hit the other man, the one that was still holding me. I kicked him in a very delicate place for a man and he crumpled to the ground. I smiled evilly and threw myself towards the other man, in a complete blood-lusted daze. The two men that'd been originally holding me came up from behind. They piled on top of me and I heard something snap, followed by a shocking pain. I resisted the urge to cry. I stood up and the two men held me. I panted, still crazy from the fight. The third man held my waist, lifting me above the ground. Against my will, they dragged me into the dark SUV. Before they shut the door, I spit blood and saliva on them.

"Take that, you little word-starting-with-'s'-here," I spat.

They turned around and loaded into the back of the car. There was no person driving. The wheel was simply steering itself. I pretended to look unimpressed, but I was completely shocked and freaked out. I began to smack on a piece of gum I'd forgotten I'd had in my mouth.

Suddenly, the floor opened up, and a large screen appeared. The television fizzed for a moment before showing a face that I recognized. I hadn't seen him before: never in my life... but I knew this man. Somehow.

"Hello, Riley," the steely voice said. The voice from the phone call.

But that didn't explain how I'd seen this man before.

"Hey," I said coolly, with a nod of my head.
"How's your day been so far?" He asked, a nasty smile spreading across his face.
"Oh, just the reg," I responded sarcastically.
"How wonderful!" He said, a grotesque smile still plastered on his face.
"Just cut to the chase," I hissed.
"Someone's got their panties in a bunch," He said.
"Someone else is also about to get a panties in a bunch," I countered.
"Yes. Business. The car is transferring you to a lab. I will be there. You will be speaking to me personally there. You will be filled in on more at the lab. So, for now, enjoy the ride."
"*girldog*," I said.

With an evil smile, I kicked in the television screen.





- - - - - - - - -

More will be added! Smile
Suggestions for the name would be awesome! Very Happy
I really want to get this published, but since this book is in it's early stages, I don't think there's any way to tell yet. Razz

Comments are really, REALLY appreciated! Very Happy I'd appreciate it if you'd be completely honest with me. Smile

Please do not plagiarize, or steal my ideas. Smile Thank you




-rai


Last edited by Rai on 7/18/2010, 12:18 pm; edited 13 times in total
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Post by littletoes101 6/27/2010, 12:03 pm

Woah. This looks like a really cool story!
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Post by Rai 6/27/2010, 1:07 pm

Thank you! Very Happy
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Post by littletoes101 6/27/2010, 1:07 pm

You're welcome.
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Post by Rai 6/28/2010, 6:07 pm

I'm made more, but I'm not sure I want the new chapter the way I made it. x-x

I'll write another version and see which one is better, lol. I'll have it up by tomorrow. Smile
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Post by imushu 6/28/2010, 7:50 pm

This sounds like it will built up nicely! I'm gonna follow it yayparty!
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Post by Johnny Gal 6/28/2010, 8:03 pm

lol Rai.... creepppyyyyy..... u should call it the Numbers. i like that one XD but it sounds to bold... maybe like... well you already used the simple game for that poem... hmm. i don't know lol. hey are you going to tell them at the end... nvm pm me or call me or whatevr lol
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Post by Rai 6/29/2010, 9:18 am

Thanks, Imu!

/stupid/
I'm going to edit this comment, lol.
Nowww I get what you were trying to say. xD I don't know what I'll call it: I actually titled it "Numbers" on the word doc. I don't know if that'll be the official name for it though. Razz Help me think of a nameeee. x3
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Post by Rai 6/30/2010, 2:34 pm

Chapter two is up! Very Happy
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Post by Puckspaw 6/30/2010, 3:07 pm

Ooh, really good so far! I'm not really sure about titles yet since I don't know much about the story yet, but I really like Numbers honestly. I like that it's simple and bold.

Also, I'm giving you a rep because I think you're a really good writer. =D
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Post by Rai 6/30/2010, 3:13 pm

Thank you!
I've also been leaning towards numbers. [Numbers are going to appear a little later in the story, once everything recaps. Wink]

&& Thank you so much! Very Happy
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Post by Puckspaw 6/30/2010, 3:30 pm

You're welcome! You really do deserve it. =D
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Post by Rai 6/30/2010, 7:06 pm

Aw, thanks! x3
Again! lol!
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Post by Rai 6/30/2010, 10:24 pm

I'll have more up by tomorrow, probably. Smile I feel about 2-3 chapters at my fingertips. xD
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Post by Puckspaw 7/1/2010, 1:46 am

Oh, awesome! Very Happy
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Post by Rai 7/1/2010, 9:54 am

Very Happy
I'm starting Chappie 3 right now. (:
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Post by Puckspaw 7/1/2010, 12:10 pm

Yay =D
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Post by Rai 7/1/2010, 6:33 pm

I made zem, but I will put them up tomorrow! Smile Or later tonight, because I have to go! :3
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Post by Puckspaw 7/1/2010, 9:33 pm

Ok, cool(:
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Post by Rai 7/2/2010, 10:16 am

Added chapter 3! Very Happy
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Post by Puckspaw 7/2/2010, 1:44 pm

Oh, good job with chapter three! I can't wait to read more. =D
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Post by Rai 7/2/2010, 7:35 pm

Thanks! Very Happy
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Post by shadowsowner888 7/2/2010, 8:49 pm

Urgh. XD I don't wanna be critical! *whiny* You're too awesome to critique! But regardless, you asked me to anyway, so I suppose I still have to do my best.

"I trudged deeper into the forest, my blonde hair plastered to my face."
It's a good, solid first line, and I like how we're subtly getting a glimpse of what this character looks like. ^^ But you may want to make it a little more exciting, to pull the readers in and all that.

"My bright, deep blue eyes searched above my head, looking for any sign of the planes."
My oh my, getting to the action, are we? Awesomeness, quite awesomeness. <3 I'd say maybe omit the "above my head, looking" bit, though, since the sentence can still function fine without it, and as it is, I had to read it twice to make sense of it.

"I breathed a huge sigh of relief, and looked down at my black converse."
You don't need a comma in there. Wink And you also might want to mention why she's relieved. Because it seems that it's so because there's no planes, but we don't really know what a good or bad situation would be in this case.

"They were caked with mud: the same as my bare legs. My gray shirt had tatters in it, as did my athletic shorts."
At this point the description is getting to be a little much; while it's useful to know what she looks like and what she's wearing, I feel it'd be better if you were to spread that out throughout the chapter rather than put it all up here at the beginning. Just a comment about her wardrobe being dirty and torn might work as well. ^^

"I saw something move in the brush, and I immediately fell to the ground."
So, skimming ahead a little bit, and observing what I've already read, it looks like you're starting a lot of sentences with 'I.' Try working on varying that a little bit; you can start more with verbs, or prepositional phrases, or adverbs or anything like that. Just, in general, try to have variety there. nod

"I grabbed a large, hard rock, and scrambled up the tree quickly."
You don't need the comma after rock. =) (And about the adverb - this is just me, and it's grammatically correct the way you have it, but maybe you could put 'quickly' before 'scrambled'? Again, just me, so if you like it better the way it is, that's fine. XD My own style is just to put them nearer to the words they modify.)

"I was a skilled tree-climber, and athletic in general."
Hmm, this sentence I would definitely try and find a way to work that into the story without use of 'was.' Just describe her climbing skillfully up the tree, maybe, and let the readers find out as the story goes along that she's athletic?

"I turned the cold rock against the palm of my hand, and grabbed my homemade slingshot from the pocket of my green jacket around my neck."
Using this many prepositional phrases stretches out the sentence a bit too much for me; is there a simpler way you could say it? For example, "pulled a homemade slingshot from my pocket"? Or to make it easier, maybe go back a bit and describe where she is and what she brought . . . ? Idk which way would work better, though, so you may need to experiment and see. XD

"I stuck the rock in the rubber sling, and aimed at the still-purple bush."
It's fine this way, but I'm not sure you really need to tell us again that the bush is purple. You've said so recently enough to where we should be able to remember fine on our own. ^^

"I let go, the rock flying through the air at an unpredictable speed."
Unpredictable gives me the image of the rock randomly slowing and speeding up . . . and I'm not really sure that's what you want to make us picture. XD Do you really need the adjective in there at all?

"Suddenly, I heard a hollow thump, and the large intake of air."
I believe that 'the' should be replaced with 'a.'

"Seconds later, a small, extremely pale animal/thing/human fell out of the bush’s coverage, and slumped into the foliage."
Description, deary, description! You're making us want to know what the heck this thingy looks like! :3

"The bush quickly returned to its natural green color, and I swiftly climbed down the tree."
Two adverbs in the same sentence might be a little much . . . hmm . . . it's really up to you, but you could replace "swiftly" and stuff with "wasted no time in climbing down the tree."

"There my little sister was standing, watching me behind her intent, light green eyes. When she noticed me look at her, she smiled and flounced over, in her cute yellow sundress. Her curly blonde hair settled around her face, while her bangs were pulled back into a tight loop. A white, large bow settled on top of her hair, and she smiled even bigger at me. She took my jacket off the counter, and then hanged it up on the coat rack, her dress bouncing with her every step. My little sister came back to me, patting my stomach, attempting to look like my mother and wipe the dirt off."
Well, you read what I already said about describing the characters so much all at once, so I don't need to repeat that. XD My main comment is on "A white, large bow settled on top of her hair, and she smiled even bigger at me." The first half of the sentence has nothing to do with the second, so . . . if you really need the bit about smiling, either put it in its own second or try finding a different phrase to connect it to.

"“What were you doing?” She asked her voice more sweet and soft."
Should be '"What were you doing?" she asked, her voice more sweet and soft.' But when you say 'more,' what are you referring to? Like, more soft and sweet than what?

"I hated to lie to her, but I didn’t want to scare her with what the situation was."
You don't need to say 'with what the situation was.' Maybe 'by explaining the real situation' would work better?

"I just smiled and acted like nothing had been killed back in those woods, something that could hurt her. "
Nothing and something together doesn't work so well . . . maybe change the 'something' to a 'nothing' as well and see how this works?

"“So, do you want to play with me?” She asked, her irresistible face peering up at me."
Nother grammar comment; unless the bit after a quoted sentence is a complete sentence in itself, it should always be lowercase. So the 'she' shouldn't be capitalized.

"Sally giggled, and jumped out of my arms onto the ground.

“Okay!” Sal said happily, even though I’d just turned her down. "
I would put this together as one paragraph, and try changing the second sentence to something more like, "Sal's voice was happy . . ." etc so you don't have to use 'she said' and such so much. Because there's nothing wrong with it, but again, variety . . .

"I set her onto the couch, and turned on the television. "
No comma needed.

"I tossed her the remotes, which she caught with perfection."
With perfection, hmm . . . ? I have no real opinion on that, but just watch and make sure she's not going to end up being too perfect. XD Mix a couple flaws in there and stuff.

"I turned on the shower, not sure what direction I turned the knob in, and quickly peeled my clothes of."
Don't forget a second 'f' on the last word. Smile

"But that was before I looked up, and saw Sal was gone."
Umm, was Sal watching television in her sister's room? XD

"I quickly hopped up from the couch, and my mouth was wide with shock."
You could probably omit the 'and.' ^^

" I went into panic mode, and ran around the house, looking for where Sally might be."
No comma after mode. And maybe change 'looking for where Sally might be' to 'trying to find Sally'?

"You're younger sister, Sally Emma Koleman, has been taken under the government's possession."
Change 'you're' to 'your.' Wink

"Unless you agree to meet with us, using the phone number to contact this at the end of the letter, then only under those circumstances we will give Sally back."
The syntax is a little awkward. You could try something like, "Unless you contact us with the phone number at the end of this letter so we may arrange a meeting, your sister will not be returned to you" instead?

"Contact us at: 123-654-789
READERS: FAKE NUMBER."
You know, if you'd like to use a more authentic-looking number, there is a way. ^^ No real phone numbers begin with 555, so if you do something like, say, 555-8873, then there's no danger of you accidentally giving out some random person's phone number.

""Ah, Riley," A cold voice answered."
The 'a' doesn't need to be capitalized. Wink

""Shutup, *badwordofyourchoicehere*," I spat, "Just tell me the deal.""
You should replace the comma after 'spat' with a period.

""No need to be angry," The voice said, with a snicker. If only I could see his face now. "
Don't capitalize 'the.' (You know what, I think you get it by now, so I'm going to leave it alone if I see anything else like that. XD)

"""I know it's more than a deal, you dumb🐷.""
Um, I don't think you really need all those colons. xD

"I took the bullets out the pistol, and some of the other pistols, and set them in with the jar of almond's I'd packed."
No apostrophe in almonds.

"The rest of the bullets went in random places, but about 25-200 per place."
You could probably leave 'but' out.

"I looked at the gun, and search for places to hide it."
I think you mean searched?

Oh, and when you're saying 'goz,' maybe you really mean gauze? XD

"I got up, using my left "undamaged" arm, and walked towards the door."
You probably don't need to say left and undamaged. Unless she has three arms or something, and the one in the middle is the damaged one. xD

Overall, try working on being more descriptive of her surroundings. And not just in sight - remember the five senses, and try to use a bit of each sense in each chapter. nod And also make use of transitional phrases. Because the whole story reads really factual right now, the flow is a bit choppy, and there's nothing wrong with that because there's successful authors who've used the same style. But personally I think you'd benefit from working on this. nod Anyway, the story is cool. I'm sorry I was so nitpicky about that all. ^^; I think the idea is interesting, and I'd like to see how it all works out.
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Post by Rai 7/2/2010, 9:12 pm

Wow, thanks SO much, Shadow! That really, really helps! Very Happy
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Post by shadowsowner888 7/2/2010, 9:13 pm

You're welcome. ^^ I'm really glad that it did indeed help you, and didn't just offend you or anything.
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