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Collision- a drama about how quickly lives change. Still in the Works *Part 1 of Chapter 2 is up!*

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Post by Reader 9/26/2009, 11:18 pm

Umm, maturity, it's a little graphic (for violence), but not too bad, I suppose. And as of currently, no extreme romance. XD, there's hardly any in the first chapters.
Fantasy- no, it's realistic fiction.

But yeah, I wrote this for fun and accept constructive criticism as well as advice on a title. I'm really, really awful at naming stories, FYI.


Prologue

September 17th was an extraordinarily ordinary day. In the town of Westbrook, Connecticut, the leaves on the trees were just starting to turn colors. It was a balmy seventy-two degrees for the season, and there was a pleasant breeze. One would have thought this was the perfect day. But it was far from it. Little did anyone know in this small town, but everyone’s life was about to be changed. Six young lives in particular would be forever scarred by something that would happen today. Two small mistakes would change the course of these lives for all time.
~
Kyle Viator was driving home on that pleasant Friday afternoon. Kyle was cruising down Centennial Road, the main drag in a new upscale subdivision. Also in the car was Jeremy Morgenstern, Kyle’s best friend. Jeremy’s little sister (and Kyle’s girlfriend), Melanie was sitting in the backseat. They were laughing and having a good time as would be expected of two 17 year olds and a 16 year old on a Friday afternoon. They were planning on going to the football game tonight and hanging out with friends.

Kyle, Jeremy, and Mel were care-free. They didn’t know what tomorrow would bring and quite frankly they didn’t care. Life was a breeze and school was tolerable. There’s lives were pretty good. Little did they know, all that would change in an instant.

Mel was in the midst of telling a story about a new cheerleader and the rather naïve school mascot. The car rumbled with laughter. Kyle looked back at Melanie. He loved her face when she laughed. His eyes weren’t on the road. He didn’t see the blur of black and white turn, and come across the intersection.

~

Adeline Carter was biking down Lennox Lane at precisely 4:13 that afternoon. For Adeline, this day was slightly less ordinary. For tonight at 9:39 she would turn 14 years old. She was very excited about this prospect. She was now in high school and being fourteen was yet another rite of passage that came with the high school years. Her best friends Elijah (Eli) and Johanna (who they called Hanna) were spending the night to celebrate.

Adeline sped down the street, not bothering to slow down as she approached the intersection of Lennox and Centennial. She was listening to her hot pink iPod as well. Adeline didn’t hear the rev of an engine as the car zoomed down Centennial. Adeline didn’t hear the steady sound of tires rolling across tarmac. She didn’t hear anything but the blare of the bass from her music.

Chapter One

The sound of metal on metal was faint, but there. The dull thud of a body making contact with the street was gut-wrenching. Blood was spattered on the windshield. Mel screamed. Jeremy gasped. The body looked horribly disfigured. It was contorted into an unnatural position.

Kyle leapt out of the red 2010 Toyota Camry. Jeremy tried to keep breathing as he tore apart his messenger bag looking for his cell-phone. Mel did everything in her power to keep from getting sick.

Kyle knelt next to the body. He flipped it over and slid his hands gently beneath it. He carried it carefully over to the expanse between the curb and sidewalk. Kyle looked over the body, quickly identifying it as a girl. She couldn’t be older than 15 her reasoned. He lowered his head to her chest. There was still a heartbeat. She was still breathing.

Jeremy was babbling into his phone.

“There’s a girl. She’s been hit by a car!” he said, with a note of hysteria in his voice
.
“At the intersection of Centennial Road and Lennox Lane. She’s still breathing.” He muttered.

“Of course her heart’s still beating! If it wasn’t she couldn’t very well be breathing now could she?!” he yelled at the operator. Kyle felt sorry for whoever was on the other end of that call. Jeremy was a mess in stressful situations and an anatomy freak.

A woman cracked open her front door. She stifled a shriek when she saw the saw the catastrophe that occurred in front of her home. She rushed over to Kyle and looked to look at the body.

She dropped on her knees in front of him. He looked up. The lady looked terrified. Kyle didn’t blame her. He was in shock as well. He was holding a young teenage girl in his arms, who seemed fairly close to dead.

“Is she… you know… dead?” the woman whispered, as if asking the question would make it so.

“No.” Kyle replied flatly.

He had not killed her.

~

Melanie Morgenstern could not believe this was happening. In fact, it couldn’t be happening. She was not slumped against her boyfriend’s car in the middle of the street. Her boyfriend was not sitting on the side of the road, holding the unconscious body of a teenage girl. Her brother was not carefully taking note of all of the wreckage sitting in front of the Kyle’s car. All of this could simply not be happening. She was either a) hallucinating or b) dreaming…

~

Jeremy was in shock. How could this have happened? How could they’ve been so careless? Jeremy was probably the only one here who had any idea how much trouble they could be in. If the girl died, they could be charged with manslaughter. If she lived, well, it was still a crime to hit her with a car. All of their lives would be changed- permanently. Jeremy’s, Melanie’s, Kyle’s, and that girl’s.

The girl! Oh my god. Even if the girl did survive this, you don’t just get hit be a car and come out unscathed. She could have broken something. Or be paralyzed. Or worse. Who knows what could go wrong now…

~

The paramedics were surprised when they arrived at the scene. There were three teenagers plus the victim. A tall boy with russet hair, holding the girl in his arms. Another boy with shaggy brown hair, standing in front of the car, staring at the twisted bunch of metal that used to be a bicycle. And then a teenage girl. She was sitting in the back of the Camry, knees pulled up to her chest, head down.

The girl was in awful shape. The paramedics rushed over to her. They quickly took her out of the boy’s arms and put her on a stretcher. From what they could tell, there was a lot of minor damage like cuts, scrapes, and bruises, but not a whole lot of blood. This was not necessarily a good thing. Concussions don’t usually show blood. Or there could be a lot of internal bleeding. Or the girl could be paralyzed.

The police at the scene determined fairly quickly who the driver had been. It was the boy sitting on the curb, who’d been holding the girl. His fingers were pulling though his hair, and he was shaking his head. The officer almost felt sorry for him. That boy’s life would be just as changed as that girl’s.

The police officer also quickly figured out that this was a complete accident. From what he gathered, both the girl and that boy were at fault. The brunette boy muttered about how “she’d come out of nowhere.” He said he hadn’t even seen her until her blood was spattered on the windshield and her body was crumpled on the ground.

The girl in the car was just plain hysterical. She seemed to think she was dreaming. She whispered to herself over and over again that it was “just a dream- none of it is real.” The paramedics and officer quickly had her taken home. The brunette went with her claiming he was her brother.

The only witness left was the boy with the russet hair. The driver. The boy just sat on the curb, staring at his feet. He looked devastated. The officer walked over to him.

The boy looked up at the officer. His eyes were blue and huge. He stared right into the officer’s eyes.

“What’s going to happen to me?” he asked.

Chapter Two

Elijah Hart was running as fast as his legs could carry him. He vaulted the DeGeneres’ fence. Then the Kowalski’s fence. He ran through perfectly manicured yards, not bothering to stop and apologize for trampling azaleas and daffodils. He was on a mission. Mr. Carter had called not two minutes ago, and then Elijah was out the door. He had to get to his Mom’s house. His bike was there.

When he finally arrived, he ran up to the keypad and punched the numbers. He was in such a hurry, he botched the code the first three tries. Finally he slowed down and tried for a 4th time. This time it worked.

The garage door opened, and Elijah slipped under the door. He grabbed his Trek Navigator 3.0 and was out the door again. He ripped his helmet off a shelf and shoved it on his head. Elijah swung himself onto the saddle. His feet made contact with the peddles, and he furiously sped away, not even bothering to shut the garage door again.

~

Johanna was tapping her fingers on the window. It seemed as if the car couldn’t go fast enough. She had to get to the hospital. Right now. Rainey had just called. Adeline had just been released from the ICU. She hadn’t been able to see her for 2 weeks because she wasn’t family or 18 years or older.

Natalia pulled up in front of the hospital. She parked the car and unlocked the doors. She quickly stepped out of the car and grabbed her purse. She started towards the building before turning back around.

“Aren’t you coming?” she asked Johanna.

“I’m scared.” Johanna replied. “What if she doesn’t remember me or what if she can’t talk?” she asked worriedly.

Natalia stooped down to Johanna’s level like she used to when she was little. Natalia reached out her arms and placed them on both her shoulders.

“Hanna. It’s going to be okay. I promise.” She murmured. Natalia then hugged Johanna.

She felt better. Though she was not biologically related to Natalia, she’d known her for as long as she could remember. Her mom had left when she was a baby, and her dad was never around. Natalia was one of her best friends and housekeeper.

Johanna clutched Natalia’s hand and waltzed up to the automatic door. She took a deep breath and stepped on the mat. She’d have to face what happened to Addie sooner or later.

~

Kyle rolled over and looked at his alarm clock. It was 3:45 PM. He’d slept all day- again. He hadn’t been to school in two weeks. In fact, he had hardly been out of his room in two weeks. He was absolutely miserable.

When he’d come home that evening, he’d gone straight to his room. Kyle hadn’t even spoken to his parents about what had happened. How could he? He was absolutely ashamed. It was better that they didn’t hear it from him. He’d just come home and cried. His life was in ruins. He would never get into a good college now. And he’d had his eye on a scholarship to Georgetown. Georgetown would never want a murderer or life-wrecker or whatever he was now. No college or university would. Kyle would be lucky to get a job at McDonald’s at this rate.

Kyle Viator hadn’t cried since he was 9, and his sister died. Now he couldn’t stop.


Last edited by Reader on 9/28/2009, 4:09 pm; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : Grammer and stuff...)
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Post by Arianna 9/27/2009, 1:47 am

That's really good - I love how you started the story so well, and how it was written really well. I hope that you write more soon!
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Post by Reader 9/27/2009, 8:38 am

Thank you! So far, that's the Prologue and Chapter One. I'll have the first half of chapter two up soon.
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Post by Arianna 9/27/2009, 8:40 am

Awesome Smile!
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Post by shadowsowner888 9/27/2009, 9:40 am

That was cool! Very Happy I can't wait to read more. Maybe you could call it Collision or something? Idk, though. That might not even end up being the point of the story. xD

I have a few suggestions, too. First of all, where you said the temperature - I would spell "72 degrees" out, instead of just putting the numbers in. They take away from the flow a little bit the way they are now.

And my other suggestion - where you said in the second paragraph, "Kyle Viator was driving home on that balmy Friday afternoon," do you think you could find another word to use instead of balmy? You already used it not long before, so it's just a little awkward to hear it like that. So I'd change that, unless it's supposed to be using the same words. nod
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Post by Reader 9/27/2009, 10:58 am

Ooh, okay! Thank you Arianna, and thank you for the feedback shadow! I already found a grammatical error to fix, so time for an update. (I'mma grammer snob.)
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Post by shadowsowner888 9/27/2009, 11:10 am

Lawlz, nice. xD Swelcome!
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Collision- a drama about how quickly lives change. Still in the Works *Part 1 of Chapter 2 is up!* 1312Collision- a drama about how quickly lives change. Still in the Works *Part 1 of Chapter 2 is up!* 2412Collision- a drama about how quickly lives change. Still in the Works *Part 1 of Chapter 2 is up!* 3349Collision- a drama about how quickly lives change. Still in the Works *Part 1 of Chapter 2 is up!* 3548Collision- a drama about how quickly lives change. Still in the Works *Part 1 of Chapter 2 is up!* 3327

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Post by Boballoo123 9/27/2009, 11:15 am

That was really good! It was very well written. (: I can't wait to read more! ^^
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Post by Reader 9/27/2009, 1:27 pm

Thanks Nadine! And I love the signature.

I'll try to update tonight or tomorrow afternooon. But I'm not currently on my home computer, where the rough draft of Collision is saved.
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Post by rattyjol 9/27/2009, 7:48 pm

Awesome story! But the prologue says six young lives were about to be changed. Are two more characters gonna be introduced? cheesy
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Post by Reader 9/27/2009, 8:02 pm

Yes, in the second chapter. They're not really central to what's happening in the first chapter, so I couldn't figure out how to incorporate them until the 2nd chapter.

But fear not! They shall be added in the second chapter.
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Post by rattyjol 9/27/2009, 8:17 pm

Yay! cheesy Lemme guess - Eli and Hanna? Very Happy
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Post by Reader 9/27/2009, 8:20 pm

Yup! I at least was able to let you know who they were. They should be able to fit pretty well into the story line... I hope.
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Post by Lyssa45 9/27/2009, 11:27 pm

Wow; that's really good. Very well written (not to mention sad)! I love it! Smile

~Lys
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Post by Reader 9/28/2009, 8:58 am

Thanks Lyssa! I'll get more up this afternoon after school.
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Post by Lyssa45 9/28/2009, 11:20 am

Haha you're welcome. Okay cool! Just to get off topic for a second; I didn't have school today because of...Yom Kippur, I think. xDD Some Jewish holiday.
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Post by rattyjol 9/28/2009, 11:52 am

Same. Very Happy Yes, Yom Kippur is today. XD
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Post by Boballoo123 9/28/2009, 1:05 pm

Reader wrote:Thanks Nadine! And I love the signature.

I'll try to update tonight or tomorrow afternooon. But I'm not currently on my home computer, where the rough draft of Collision is saved.
Your welcome! And thankies ^^
I don't have school today either. Which is good, because I have a project to do for Earth Science that I havent started yet, due tomorrow. I need the extra day. o.O
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Post by Reader 9/28/2009, 3:16 pm

Haha, you guys are lucky. I adore 3 say weekends.
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