Saddle's Blog for 3/8/10 ~ I hate my life.

Yeah, I hate my life right now.

I especially hate when my best friend says stuff, cuz most of the time I end up jealous. Her life is so perfect and mine is so horrible. And when something bad happens to her, a million grate things happen and she can go back to her perfect little bubble.

Yesterday we were talking:
Me: You going somewhere for spring break again?
Friend: Yeah
Me: Oh. I never go anywhere for spring break. I just have a stupid vacation down the shore this summer.
Friend: When?
Me: August.
Friend: When in August?
Me: The first week, I think.
Friend: Oh, I'm going on vacation for a week around then. The 7th, I think.
Me: Oh. Going camping in Pennsylvania again?
Friend: Um, I'm going a little farther than that....
Me: Where?
Friend: Aruba.

I'm in 8th grade this year. It's my last year at my school. We're doing this song from Wicked (please don't ask which, I don't really like Wicked and my director made the song sound stupid anyway) and I tried for a solo, since it's my last year and all. I didn't get it. Today, we had auditions for a solo in Seasons of Love (it's a tradition that the 8th grade sings that). It was a solo I have wanted since 6th grade. My best friend knew that, I told her at then. She said she wanted a different solo. So about a week ago, we were talking about auditioning and she said she wasn't gonna audition for that one, and she was just gonna take part of a solo at the end. (There's a part we broke up for solos so everyone who wanted one could get one) Then, today, right before we audition, she decides she wants the solo. And right then, my heart sank cuz she's so much better than me, and I knew she'd get it. Guess what? She did. So now I have some stupid small part at the end that's probably gonna get turned into a duet cuz someone couldn't make it and she wanted a solo, too. And now my friend's parents are all proud and stuff and I didn't even tell my parents about the audition; I thought I'd have a chance and surprise them. She got a solo in something last year, too. And a few years ago, she got to sing the entire national anthem as a solo. I think I'm gonna give up my stupid solo. It's meaningless.

My best friend's grandma's been sick for a while. Apparently, she has cancer and won't live much longer. And my friend was upset about that. My grandma has Alzheimer's. When it worsens, she won't recognize me. I'll be a stranger to her. I have to watch her slowly get worse and worse and eventually die for who knows how long.

My parents fight constantly, we have money issues, there's always screaming in my house.

Everything I have is a consolation prize. I ask for a laptop for Christmas: "How about an iPod touch instead? You can get the laptop for graduation." I try out for two solos, and all I get is a solo that anyone who wants one can have. Even my brother is a consolation prize; I was gonna have another brother or sister (I'm not sure which) but it died before it was born. So then I got my brother. I can't have anything in my life. Ever. Nothing goes my way, I feel like the universe is against me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so depressed. I'm almost constantly crying and I'm almost always sad. I can't find anything good about myself or my life. My friend is beautiful and amazing and perfect; I'm ugly and horrible and fail at everything I do.

Sometimes, I wonder what the point in waking up in the morning is.

Well this is getting awful, so I'll stop.

-Saddle

I'm so sorry, Saddle. :/ You're in my prayers as always, and I really do hope that things get better for you.

I can tell you some good things about you!

1. You look like a vampire. :3 (At least from what I know. xD)
2. You make me feel happy, especially cus I find it cool that you have my b-day on your calendar.
3. You like Owl City! x3
4. You're a person, and God loves you, and I love you, and Twig loves you.

Saddle, don't worry. My life sucks too.
Anyway, it seems like things are going to get better. All of here on Twig love you and we're sure that it'll get better. (: I hope.

I'm so sorry for you, Saddle. *hug* Things will get better soon, trust me. You've just got to remember that God loves you, and we love you, whenever you're sad, just think of how God loves you. You're His absolute favorite, he's always watching over you, he has a huge mega super awesome plan for you. It helps, seriously. =)

Saddle... -hug-
Your life is good. You have to remember that. You might not get all that you want, and yes, it's a disappointing feeling. But at least you have something. You have us, and you know we all love you. You just have to count your blessings.
And you are beautiful. Don't ever forget that.

Thanks everyone. I feel kinda better, but I think I'm gonna skip Seasons of Love rehersal tomorrow....I still get really sad/mad when I think about it....I even kinda wanna see if I can quit it....

I agree with all the things Shadow(and everyone else) says, and I can connect with you.

My Dad is always yelling at my mom about things out of control, because she has a disease thing and she broke her back and gets migranes, etc, and when he yells it hurts my heart because I'm scared that they're gonna divorce.

And I feel all my friends are prettier than me. I feel fat, and when I got my hair done(but it messed up) all the guys laughed at it. My other friend wouldn't look at me until the next day, either. One of my friends has already had two boyfriends and is being pestered by this other boy. And we're in 6th grade. My hair never is nice, always greasy, not matter what. Five minutes after I flip it a few times after frying it, POOF! It's greasy again.

I hate my life, too, but I try to think on positive things. I'm a healthy living human being and I have lots of friends and no one dislikes me. (Seriously, no one. The bad person[girl] in my class is supposedly jealous of me, or so her other friend, who's also my friend says) I have two parents, one pair of grandparents, wonderful cousins and aunts, and food, water, and shelter.

You shouldn't dwell on negative things, only positive.

I'm glad you're feeling better. ^^ If you wanna quit I say go for it.

Twarry, my parents have issues with each other from time to time, too. :/ I'm so sorry. That's very good, though, that you can look at your life with a positive perspective! That's very good advice.

I didn't quit. My friend made me tell her an idea I had, and she told our director, and now we're doing that. So I feel guilty now. =/

Aww, don't feel bad about it. They'll understand, I'm sure.

˙˙˙˙ʎʇןınƃ ɯ,ı os˙˙˙˙˙ƃuıɥʇǝɯos pǝʇunoɔsıɯ ı ʞuıɥʇ ı znɔ ןıɐɟ ʎןqɐqoɹd ןןıʍ uɐןd ʎɯ 'sǝpısǝq puɐ˙˙˙˙ʇı ʇoƃ oɥʍ puǝıɹɟ ʎɯ ɹoɟ pɐq oooooos ןǝǝɟ ı ʇnq (ʎddɐɥ os ǝq ʎןqɐqoɹd puɐ) puɐʇsɹǝpun ןןıʍ pǝuoıʇıpnɐ oɥʍ ǝןdoǝd ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʇ ʍouʞ ı