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Rivalry (One-shot)

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Rivalry (One-shot)

Post by iGeek on 3/11/2011, 12:50 am

I know this is, well, not that great. I just thought I'd post it. Smile
Can anyone give me specifics on what I need to improve on?

Maturity: Nothing, really.
Violence: A few scratches from rocks. Not much.
Fantasy: Nothing. It's entirely realistic.

---

Keep Running. Keep Running.
That was the only thing on my mind. I didn’t care about the rocks beneath my feet, the mud that was getting on my shoes, or the fact that I could barely breathe. I couldn’t stop to take in more air. and I would deal with the scratches and stains later. All that mattered was racing against Timothy, my friend and rival. We’ve been competitors since we were seven years old. We run races, play video games, and pretty much do anything we can to beat the other. I win some, he wins some, and sometimes we tie. That day, though, I wouldn’t settle for anything less than first place.
My short, light hair was just long enough to sting my face as I ran at what felt like a speed that could break a record. I was ahead. Then he was. Then I was. Then he was.
“Courtney!” he called. “Getting tired yet?”
“No,” I said, but I’m sure that my shortness of breath gave it away that I was. I wasn’t not sure whether he was bragging or genuinely caring about me. Oh well, that’s Timothy for you.
Yolanda had her arms held out in place of a finish line. I was sure that the look on my face would scare her. I think she might have even flinched a little bit.
I used what strength I had left to run the last few yards even faster than the others. I felt Timothy’s glare on me, but it was no use distracting myself to look.
Breathe. Run. Breathe. Run. We approached Yolanda and the rest of our friends who were waiting for us, and...
Yolanda closed her eyes.
“I won!” Timothy and I shouted simultaneously.
“Who won?” I asked Yolanda desperately.
“I-I didn’t see,” she said. “It was a tie.”
Everyone agreed. I was slightly bummed, but we all know that I won.
You know I won, right?
Right?
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Re: Rivalry (One-shot)

Post by shadowsowner888 on 3/11/2011, 1:44 am

That's so cute! x3 It would be interesting to see a longer story about these characters, and it seemed like there was just this whole world hiding in the sentences.

In terms of improvement, I'd just work on general wordiness. There were some instances where you could have said the same things just as well with fewer words, so just watch out for that. Here's some things in general that you might want to look at - I read this editing guide with all these and it really helped me. :3

  • Remove as many articles (a, an, the) as possible. For example, a heavy perfume to heavy perfume.
  • Replace weak verbs near several modifiers with one vivid verb. "He went slowly and nonchalantly" to "he sauntered."
  • Don't use "there are," "who is," or other similar phrases. There are some people would be shortened to some people.
  • Change adjectives to verbs - sparkling water would become water sparkled.
  • Avoid redundancy. "The reason he was late was because" could become "He was late because." Change "The fact that he missed the plane" to "because he missed the plane."
  • Shun double negatives. "He thought it not unlikely" would become "he thought it likely."
  • Use passive voice (making the receiver of an action the subject of a sentence) sparingly. Rather than "he was accosted by two masked men," go with "two masked men accosted him."
  • Instead of using "would," use past tense. "Often he would escape to the woods" should become "often he escaped to the woods."
  • Avoid meaningless words like well, just, or but.
  • Don't use "hopefully" - instead word it like, "I hope I can do it."
  • Stay away from cliches. XD Stuff like "all of a sudden," "quick as a wink," "dead as a doornail," etc.

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Re: Rivalry (One-shot)

Post by iGeek on 3/11/2011, 9:32 am

Yay! Very Happy Thanks.
Maybe later I could edit it a little bit (and maybe figure out how I could make it into a longer story ^_^ ).
Thanks again-- that guide is really helpful. ^_^
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Re: Rivalry (One-shot)

Post by shadowsowner888 on 3/11/2011, 11:12 am

:3 No problem! I'm glad you found it useful.

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