HallMark Movies With Sharpied Fingertips

I wish my music would actually suffocate my thoughts.
They don't deserve to breathe any longer.
Give them legs and they'll run; wings and they'll fly.
Could I give them rocks tied around their ankles,
or cement shoes so they sink faster?
I've never expended so much energy to dispose of a living,
breathing thing as I have with what you would call my own.

Funny how whenever I say "you", it's about him.
One-track mind has taken on a different meaning.
We both flew, but my thoughts remained behind in sacks
of rocks and cinder blocks; my heart was the only thing that
decided to run away from home with you.
Because you will never again be anyone else but the one I speak of
in the jumbled, cliched words I vomit onto the screen.

You will never be more than disconnected phrases and
verses that will never fit together, no matter how the jigsaw gets rearranged.
You will never materialize out of the thoughts that
run on treadmills in-between my bleeding ears.
But it was my own fault.
I convinced myself that my smile would peek out from behind
the clowns tears, and you would love it.

I convinced myself we'd fall at the same time and I'd never break.
There was no breaking, I told my liver.
But it tore anyway and punctured my stomach 'till all I ate,
in the ways of emotions, spilled out and over our clasped hands.
I told myself I'd never have to drown my thoughts,
they'd break free of the nest and join yours in silent
harmony over the west Pacific ocean, somewhere where the birds don't dare to fly.

I told myself verses of seven lines that contain my heart and what
could have been my soul would never spill from my Sharpied fingertips at 2am.
Yet here I am, speaking of you and your wearied footsteps walking away,
like a Hallmark movie I would never watch without you,
in case I wouldn't have a shoulder to hide my sickened tears in.
Because they always make me well up, those cheesy movies that I only watch at
3 in the morning on sleepovers where I've already cried.

Because I've already cried, but your shoulder wasn't there to catch me.