Thoughts/Comments/Critiques?

Ellie (MusicWritingLove) helped me with the last paragraph.

Thoughts? Comments? Critiques? Thoughts on where I should go from here?

Kylie drummed her fingers softly on her desk. Her desk lamp was on, even though the glow of sunlight through the window was enough. She closed the curtains, returning to her work. She had gotten an 81 on her last math test, so she knew that she needed to ace this next one.
She mumbled another algebra problem. This one was harder. She twisted strands of her dark brown hair in cogitation. She wrote down the problem, and tried to come up with a solution.
Someone tapped her on the shoulder. She quickly turned around. Her seven-year-old sister, Alicia, grinned at her.
"What is it, Alicia?" Kylie asked, trying as hard as she could not to sound too rude.
"Mom says it's time to eat," Alicia said.
Kylie glanced at the clock. "Wow, almost 6:30," she said quietly. She turned toward Alicia. "Can you ask her if I can eat in my room? I need to finish this homework."
"Okay," said Alicia, running out of the room.
"Sighing, Kylie returned to her work. She could hear the footsteps of her mother and the large chink of light that entered her room showed a silhouette
of her mother, holding a bowl of pasta.
"Thanks, Mom," Kylie muttered, already turning back to the equation.

Hmm . . . in the "She had gotten an 81 on her last math test, so she knew that she needed to ace this next one." sentence, perhaps you could replace 'gotten' with a more interesting word - achieved, maybe? - and the 81 looks a bit out of place. I forget the 'rule' for that sort of thing, but I believe numbers under one hundred should be spelled out?

Then, overall . . . there's not really any huge problem with it, but I would try varying the sentence structures a bit . . . ? Because most of the sentences start with 'she,' and it reads like a list of facts, if that makes sense. Try mixing a couple transitional phrases in, starting with adverbs or verbs or prepositional phrases, stuff like that.

Anyway, so, yup. :3 Good job so far, and keep working on it. And I'd like to make a suggestion about the plot . . . but it hasn't actually started yet, by the looks of it, so I'm not really sure what to say. xD

KarateGirl wrote:Kylie drummed her fingers softly on her desk. Her desk lamp was on, even though the glow of sunlight through the window was enough *(for what?)*. She closed the curtains, returning to her work. She had *only received/achieved eighty-one percent* on her last math test, so *[unneeded]* she needed to ace this next one.
She mumbled another algebra problem *out loud*. This one was harder. She twisted strands of her dark brown hair in cogitation. She wrote down the problem, and tried to come up with a solution.
Someone tapped her on the shoulder *and* she quickly turned around. Her seven-year-old sister, Alicia, grinned at her.
"What is it, Alicia?" Kylie asked, trying as hard as she could not to sound too rude.
"Mom says it's time to eat," Alicia said.
Kylie glanced at the clock. "Wow, almost 6:30," she *whispered*. She turned toward Alicia. "Can you ask her if I can eat in my room? I need to finish this homework." *(Or is she studying?)*
"Okay," said Alicia, running out of the room.
Sighing, Kylie returned to her work. She could hear the footsteps of her mother. The large chink *(what does that mean?)* of light that *spread across* her room showed the silhouette of her mother *(a bit repetitive)*, holding a bowl of pasta.
"Thanks, Mom," Kylie muttered, already turning back to the equation.

Just some things I thought might be better, but it's already good.

Thanks for the advice.

Kylie drummed her fingers softly on her desk. Her desk lamp was on, even though the glow of sunlight through the window was enough for her to work. She closed the curtains, returning to her studying. After she had achieved an eighty-one percent on her last math test, she was somewhat stressed out over her next score.
Out loud, she mumbled another algebra problem. This one was harder. Twisting strands of her dark brown hair in cogitation, she wrote down the problem, and tried to come up with a solution.
Someone tapped her on the shoulder, and she quickly turned around. Her seven-year-old sister, Alicia, grinned at her.
"What is it, Alicia?" Kylie asked, trying as hard as she could not to sound too rude.
"Mom says it's time to eat," Alicia said.
Kylie glanced at the clock. "Wow, almost 6:30," she whispered to herself. She turned toward Alicia. "Can you ask her if I can eat in my room? I need to study."
"Okay," said Alicia, running out of the room.
Sighing, Kylie returned to her work. In a moment, the light from the desk lamp showed a silhouette of her mother, holding a bowl of pasta.
"Thanks, Mom," Kylie muttered, already turning back to the equation.

Is this any better? I tried to both of your suggestions.

Shadow, I changed some of the sentences a little bit, but not as much as I probably should. Which ones specifically do you think I should change?

I think you did good with the sentence structures! :3

shadowsowner888 wrote:I think you did good with the sentence structures! :3

Thanks.